KV. | Glitch

Getting home from therapy only to be immediately met with cramps ... is a sick fucking joke. Gods, I hate having a uterus 🙃

Lack Of Motivation finally fucking off for a bit, only to promptly get hit with a bad pain day, is so fucking frustrating. How the Hell am I supposed to get anything done??? This is ridiculous

GRIEF⚠️
Sometimes, grief is drinking coffee w/ one of her favorite creamers, smiling around the hurt, almost wishing to still be the kid I was when this collab came out

Where mourning's concerned, some types of pain are positive, I think

🕊 Every step forward is for you, now. even the smallest ones.

Unfortunately, my nervous system can't tell the difference between an appointment w/ a new therapist and being chased by a bear.

It's that time of year where crying to Marlboro Lights by Natalia Kills is absolutely necessary, apparently. Feels early somehow.

Chronic fatigue making you need to tap out of the things that make you the happiest, just bc youre suddenly too tired to focus, sucks

Hopefully tomorrow brings more energy

⁹

Someday, maybe, I won't flinch at the sound of fireworks.

Or maybe, at least, they'll go back to meaning the crackle of sparklers, fudge w/ Nana, the way my mom's eyes lit up taking photos of the night sky over Lake Superior, a night where my parents never fought.

For now, at least its the 5th.

⁸

I want the 4th of July back.

You don't always get what you want. So I'll have to settle for trying to act less like him, more like our mothers, & hope that someday, the smile in the mirror – while it will *always* have its fangs – looks as much like Mom's as everyone says it does.

⁸

I hate her.

She looks just like him.

Mommy would've loved that I'm taking care of "daddy's curls" again.

My hair-care products taste like lemon cupcakes and cyan*de.

I want my parents back.

⁷

It doesn't know how to maintain friendships, & would rather watch from the sidelines than risk being told that she's "too much" - or was unwelcome to begin with. Would rather be too busy with something, like he always was, bc people can't cancel plans that you never try to make.

⁶

Too frequently, I find my father's daughter still. And it's not "Daddy's princess" — it's this volatile thing that was taught to bite or isolate. That finds comfort in bloody fangs, & would prefer a self-assigned silent room for weeks than the burn of a singular unanswered phone call.

⁵

When I look in the mirror, I desperately want to see my mother's son. Somebody she'd be proud of. I think maybe that I'm still not done becoming him, & that's why he can be so tricky to see.

Often, I find their scared grand-baby instead. I give that grace; it's got too many reasons to be afraid.

⁴
Thar night changed everything.

I think it's the day that I started to lose Dad, too. He never acted the same after that night. Not because of the carbon monoxide poisoning, no — I think he just stopped being the same person without his mom's guidance.

These days, I get that. I think I have, too.

³

It's the loss of a part of my childhood that I did not know was gone that night, but would never get back. It's the marker of when visiting my grandparents would, gradually enough to not notice but somehow also too fast to prevent, stop.

I would give anything to go back.

²

July 4th isn't a marker of independence, or pride in the county, or even feel-good time with your family.

It used to be, of course.

Now, it's that final cracke of fireworks going off, right before she got confused. It's the last real, coherent conversation I ever had with 1 of my grandmothers.

I don't celebrate the 4th of July. I haven't felt the desire to since I was a teenager, & I don't I ever will again. Honestly, I don't want to anymore. This country doesn't deserve it —

But it's not *about* my patriotism, or more recent lack thereof. Hasn't been.

¹ / 🧵

🧵⁹

It's Father's Day. I'll spend it mourning, grocery shopping, distracting with my partner, and clinging to the reliability of fictional men. I won't see you, or Mom, or L and B. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll spot a blue dot during my errands.

It's Father's Day. Please Don't Call.

🧵⁸

It's Father's Day, and our country looks to be falling apart. The protests are inspiring, but surreal. My neighbor is a N*zi. I wish I could tell you that I'm scared.

🧵⁷

It's Father's Day, and I want my mommy back. A hug from her couldn't fix the world, wouldn't make you kind, but if she did it tightly enough, I think it'd put me back together - at least for a little while.

🧵⁶

It's Father's Day, and I miss the girls horribly. I've recently started using variants of their initials as passwords like Mom did with us; i don't know how else to feel like we're all still together.

🧵⁵

When they're not technically yours, you can't control if they're lost to the system. All the same, I wish I could fall to my knees in front of that judge and beg for my daughters back.

🧵⁴

It feels like just yesterday I was getting that awful phone call, all over again. I think I mourn her, impossibly more, everytime I'm reminded of your cruelty.

It's Father's Day.

I'll probably never get to see the kids that I spent my late teens + earliest adult years raising.

🧵³

It's Father's Day.

I want so badly to take a page from my eldest brother's book and call our mama instead, like he always did. But Mom is gone. I can't wish her anything, or ask her why you're being so mean, or- anything, anymore.

🧵²

It's Father's Day.

I have nothing to celebrate. Instead I've ended up crying by myself in my kitchen. Crying over yesterday's protest footage, watching thousands protest the very things you've voted for, the fascist you've abandoned me for. I have never felt so simultaneously seen, and alone.

VENT🧵¹

It's Father's Day.

I will not hear from you, most likely. You'll expect to hear from me, and even if I find it within myself to force something that I know you don't deserve, that I shouldn't bother with, you probably won't reply. If you do, it'll be hollow - or worse, fake.

i've gotten so good about not flinching at the sound of your name that people don't know i'd still throw myself mouth-open into the ocean for the chance to drown somewhere you might see it.

growing up and seeing your parents' flaws is like losing your religion. i don't believe in god anymore. i don't believe in my father either.

Nobody talks about the devastating guilt, & subsequent self loathing, that can come from having to cancel important plans due to your health acting up. But fuck is it real today 🙃

This... will have an effect on the narrative.

𝕴'𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖆𝖎𝖓𝖙 𝖒𝖞 𝖓𝖆𝖎𝖑𝖘,
& 𝕴'𝖑𝖑 𝖇𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖐 𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖏𝖆𝖜...

A modern vampire. A glitch in the system. A monster, to some. Welcome to the Hellscape - tickets nonrefundable 🎟

》Will Be Private When/If The Feature Is Implemented.

Please don't use msging me an "I love you" as a thinly veiled way to also vent at me, btw. If you wanna say it, you can say it w/out the negativity

I get venting to your friends, but lumping those msgs into one sentence doesnt feel great. Kinda makes the "I love you" part look like an after-thought