Drunk Auntie

The Addams Family is the horniest of the Christmas movies.

Too broke for shopping, so I guess I know what I have to do *puts on a Luigi hat*

Close up of hands holding a keychain that is a figurine of Luigi from the Super Mario Brothers

Suggestion for a gift for him:

A medium close up of Agatha and Billy from Agatha All Along. Billy is looking shocked at something off camera and Agatha is looking smug.

Actual photo of me introducing one of my young lovers as “my intern” to an acquaintance that I ran into in public. I panicked and I stand behind the choice. I’m teaching him stuff. He works for free. The math checks out.

It’s Drunk Auntie ruining Xmas dinner time of year my beautiful babies!

😂 very true. Not better up here in the North. Having to choose between a kick in the vagina or a punch to the asshole is not exactly ideal

My answer is always the same when asked how it is spelled: the proper way. I refuse to acknowledge Ashely, Ashleigh or the worst of them all: Ashli.

Shoutout to all the down-low army guys I’ve casually suggested it’s hot to see two dudes hook up just to see them JUMP at the chance. Nature is healing itself 🤷‍♀️

*pulls used condom from my hair* it was a fun summer *coughs up another condom*

hi everyone

In the faint distance I can hear every guy I fucked in my early 20s rising up to defend Brand.

Right? Thankfully it showed what the charges were for. It was not a deal breaker, but helped lead me to the deal breaker conversation 😂

Screen grab from truth finder.com. 4 blue boxes with white lettering, the first box says “possible criminal record” the second box says”possible traffic violations” the third says “property owner” and the fourth says “owns a Nissan”

Did a background check on a potential fuck. Love that Nissan owner and criminal record are bundled together as equally important facts about him.

What is my dating type? Gender is unimportant, what is apparently a key quality for me is they must just be a bunch of red flags stuffed in a trench coat.

My midlife crisis is really shaping up; excess gin, men at least a decade younger than I am, cougar wardrobe… anyone that said it gets worse for women over 40 was lying.

Many people cannot see the L is often a lesson for them. Taking the L when I need to is usually a healthy lesson and someone is doing me a favour by pointing it out🤷‍♀️

The second someone has “coach” in their bio, I’m out.

“I’m a firey mama because I’m actually 1/64 scotch bonnet, my great great grandmother was a chilli pepper princess.”

I’m reading all this impressive stuff people are sharing that they are proud of, and I’m over here like “I’m kinda bullying Weezer online? So that is something I guess”

Yeah, your are right, I think it’s more like 1995-2005 was the peak for Law&Order/CSI/NYPD Blue nonsense. They were really working double time to “remind” everyone how much we need them. 👀

I feel like the 90s was peak for copaganda films? My partner is saying the 70s?

I don’t trust anyone that has no fat friends.

I just spent 10 minutes looking up what types of birds are at my feeder and I’m pretty sure this is exactly the moment I transitioned into an old.

I’m just sitting on a bunch and sealing off any doors until they address the mess they should have been prepared for.

Inflation really hit the poppers market.

Here is my dog in a costume to soften the blow of existing.

93 is too young. Everyone else can die, but Sue was supposed to be forever.

Be nice to Canadians today, our favourite Aunt died. Sue Johanson is probably the reason I never got the clap and for that I thank her.

good morning bluesky just remember you can blame literally any modern issue on ronald reagan and you will almost certainly be correct