Bilal Dardai

There is no phrase in modern media I am more annoyed with right now than “appears to contradict.”

ICE is lying. DHS is lying. The Trump regime is lying.

THEY HAVE BEEN CAUGHT IN LIES.

I have nothing but sympathy and hope for the Guthrie family as they plead for the safe return of their mother by whoever has abducted her.

And we need to recognize that there are families our government has targeted whose pleas are identical and no less worthy of our support.

At some point he's going to say "Listen for the last time I was not part of all that Epstein stuff. I wish I had been, though, it sounds like it was a great time!"

It will be like when OJ Simpson announced the book IF I DID IT, except this time the media will treat it like another Trumpian lark.

So ICE in Minnesota is detaining five year-olds and sending them to camps in Texas, where they might be killed by guards who claim it’s a suicide, and then found not guilty of inaction to save the child. This is the hellscape we are supposed to call a Great Nation.

ICE: "Stop calling us Nazis."

ALSO ICE: "Let's do our own version of the opening scene from INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS."

I wish my cynical mind could just enjoy THE ODYSSEY trailer for what it is without being prematurely exhausted about the forthcoming posts claiming "The Shocking Way that THE ODYSSEY (2026) Connects to TROY (2004)!"

And we’ve made him President, twice, because oh no what if a highly qualified woman, with several years of experience in governance and statecraft, were elected instead. (10/10)

When the information could harm national security and put the lives of any other Americans at risk, Trump’s cabal will yawn, scratch their scalps, and be genuinely confused as to why it’s such a big deal. (9/10)

When the information could embarrass him, Trump and his minions will manage to produce the tightest possible lid and evade all capture with the skills of a trained ninja. (8/10)

Despite an order of Congress and a month of time to prepare, the Dept of Justice has released a minute fraction of its files on dead, despised sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein, featuring heavy redactions and in at least one case an unrelated image falsely manipulated to appear incriminating. (7/10)

Within the first year of his second term, his loyal lickspittle and self-styled Secretary of War had casually discussed war plans in the Middle East on a Signal chat that had accidentally included a professional journalist. (6/10)

After leaving his first term of office he absconded with several boxes of classified documents that he kept in unsecured rooms at his Florida country club, claiming he was entitled to them and that he could show them to whomever he wished. (5/10)

Within five months of assuming his first term in office Donald Trump had shared information about a valuable source within the ISIS network with two Russian officials to whom he claimed not to owe any special allegiances. (4/10)

Two years of keeping a secret about the bombshell blonde with whom he was sleeping.

Three weeks of hiding said mistress in another country using an alias and a disguise. (3/10)

After the story broke, Maples spent three weeks in Guatemala hiding out under an assumed name and a red wig simply to avoid the press firestorm. (2/10)

THREAD:

In 1990, famed gossip columnist Liz Smith had been asking Donald Trump for two years to comment on the "other woman" in his life, only to be stonewalled each time about the identity of Marla Maples. (1/10)

The famous portrait on the cover of “The Art of the Deal” was taken by Michele Singer Reiner.

We are all of us living in the fever dreams of Aeschylus.

On this day that FIFA honored a petty toddler as a scion of Peace, a soccer tournament my son was supposed to play in was canceled because too many families pulled out due to fears of ICE raids.

I hope everything Gianni Infantino eats for the rest of his life tastes like old boot leather.

It’s not even the tenth worst thing about it, but I utterly abhor that DHS is referencing a story of compassion and extraordinary friendship to a complete stranger when they name their latest ICE abduction campaign “Operation Charlotte Web.”

The first cold snap and snowfall of the season and Greg Bovino decides to end Midway Blitz.

Chicago sells like a zillion hot dogs a day and we've still never seen a bigger bunch of weenies than ICE and CBP.

AI country singer Breaking Rust tops Billboard with ‘Walk My Walk’ A country hit made by artificial intelligence has climbed to the top of a Billboard chart — a first for the genre.

I guarantee you that nearly everyone who kept angrily declaring that "Old Town Road" and "Cowboy Carter" couldn't be considered real country music have no problem at all with this.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WALMART.

(This is real. I took the screenshots.)

Noem rejects Pritzker request to pause ICE operations for Halloween Pritzker's Halloween request, first obtained by the Chicago Sun-Times, came four days after ICE agents fired tear gas in the Old Irving Park neighborhood as families and children walked to a Halloween...

Remembering how one of the amusing conceits of the BUFFY television series was that Halloween was when all the soulless demons and vampires actually took the night off.

So if the policy is supposedly that we’re catching all the child rapists and sending them to countries they were never from, at what point do we start deporting these evangelical leaders, like former Trump advisor Robert Morris, to the Darien Gap?

A reporter will ask a conservative politician why they were caught holding a bloody knife near a murder scene and they will say “nah-ah, that’s a gotcha question.”

And then they turn around and yell ZOHRAN MAMDANI’S AUNT IS NOT HIS PARENT’S SISTER!

Have felt oddly compelled of late to watch clips from HELL’S KITCHEN, a show I never watched once while it aired, and I think it’s because I’m finding it cathartic to watch Gordon Ramsay scream obscenities at people and hold them accountable when they’re so clearly fucking things up.

Being a guy who is interested in both modern cinema and presidential history means that I have an odd, unexplainable feeling about the concurrent careers of two actresses named Mikey Madison and Maika Monroe.

We need to convince Trump that he doesn’t want to be king or dictator, but pharaoh.

Then, when he dies, all of his servants should be entombed with him.

"You thought that patriotic video of our heroic President Trump was of him showering Americans with feces? That was the finest of chocolate mousse, served with benevolence and his unerring gourmet taste. Of course you woke communists don't know the difference."

Hey, I can be Press Secretary too!

Every time Karoline Leavitt goes to a restaurant, she should be brought something she didn’t order.

When she complains, she should be told “oh, we assumed you were lying,” before turning briskly and walking away.