The minor fall AND the major lift? In this economy?

Me in my 20s: Fuck it, margaritas for lunch

Me in my 40s:

It’s that magical time of year in rural New England when all of outside smells like cow shit.

sorry i cant make it to your birthday party im busy telling a sitting senator to gargle my balls on the internet

EXCLUSIVE: After Kennedy Center cancels LGBTQ+ musical, Guster brings cast on stage in protest Finn's run at the storied DC venue was axed after Trump took over.

EXCLUSIVE: Tonight at the Kennedy Center, Guster brought on cast members from Finn, an LGBTQ+ kids musical that was recently canceled when Trump took over the center. They performed the band’s song “Hard Times” to a standing ovation.

Full story, exclusive quotes and video on The Handbasket:

How’s Luigi doing?

Freaky Friday but it’s me trading places with my 17-year-old cat. She has to go to work and groceries while I sleep 20 hours a day, refuse to eat anything but treats, and bite anyone who comes near me.

Why is Christmas always on the same day but Easter depends on the Pope’s menstrual cycle?

Orpheus: (turns around)

Me, as Eurydice: Are you fucking kidding me? (mumbles as I descend back to the underworld) Why are men?

I hate these fascist motherfuckers with every cell in my body and with nearly equal timbre I hate the cowardice of the only people in a position to oppose them who treat it like they were playing crazy 8s over cocktails and watercress sandwiches

Last night’s dream: I was trying to make a “dinosaur time” TikTok (IYKYK) but I kept messing up the video, so I had to just keep eating more handfuls of greens. But every time the greens got weirder in appearance, texture, flavor. At some point I was just biting the tops of off random weeds.

I bought more than one corned beef. How do I refer to them? It’s corned beeves, right?

Disrupt. Call him out.

Walk out and hold a separate press conference.