Brad Collins

just a heads up, but I saw a banana peel on the side of the road today in case anyone was planning on walking there

Republicans: we want people to suffer and die in crushing poverty
Democrats: im sure we can reach a reasonable compromise

“My hands are like this so that my president can have a ballroom like this”

nobody wanted my slices of random meat until I stuck them to a board with a pickle on it

you just haven’t been diagnosed

bad news. the doctor said i have a skeleton :(

Me, sorting space photos: Intergalactic, planetary, planetary, intergalactic

RFK jr is what happens when you “walk it off” instead of going to the bathroom for 40 years

america’s 9/11

“We love the cylons, don’t we folks? Actually, they really seem to love me! Isn’t that incredible? The robots love me! And if they want access to the 12 colonies, then I don’t see any reason why they can’t make a deal just like crooked geminon and rat infested caprica”

habe yourself a merry little corpus

when the edible hits and you’re still on the toilet

My nose gets really smelly around craps and turds

when my guests discover the fresh egg salad in my bathtub whilst taking a poo

it’s genuinely hilarious that trump is on tv showing off the new golden furniture in the oval office at the same time he’s literally telling americans they’re getting fewer toys for christmas

schadenfreudEH

LIVE: Conservative Party HQ tonight

it’s not “silent but deadly” if the windows rattle, debbie

babies are not fireworks

the ones that hatch out of little eggs are the worst

the pope is technically skippable, but he’s got a ring you basically need for late game holy builds

the loot drop on the pope must have been epic for cloth wearing casters.

imagine telling donnie darko, of all people, to chut up

dire rear

Mike’s hard. Lemonade?

McDonald’s has been ripping me off for years. They have never bought an equal amount of french fries from me

There’s FBI photos of top secret files stashed in a mar a lago bathroom and transcripts circulating of high level attack plans sourced from a bungled chat app invite. I’m kinda not worried about a war with these guys.

martin short is just too vast by comparison

Did you watch the new “Batman Ninja vs the Yakuza League” movie? It’s brilliantly insane.

Canada maintained a strict “might as well go for a soda” policy during the first trump administration, pivoting sharply to an “elbows up” framework as the second term agenda became clear.