Magic's Rant room

Was mid group project when I was hit with a period cramp so hard I nearly fainted and I had to keep standing to hold a camera steady holy shit

Anyway time to sleep lalalala nothing I can do about it lalala

Or how were stereotyped even in food and comercial products- looking at you “Mexican cheese blend” bags.

Idk. It’s a lot
And it feels like a lot.
It feels isolating

It is isolating

But you have to keep moving along and pushing forward

To how many times I’ve had to explain why something is in fact,, a stereotype or racist to well meaning people.

Or that time I had to explain to someone why being x% Mexican doesn’t mean you can check the box off in your college application form.

It’s a complex and stupidly large thought I’ve been mulling over in my mind during my break. I can’t even scratch the surface in just a bunch of posts.

From how being Latino is used almost like a label by some people on the internet.

I want people to meet me halfway, If I do the effort to meet them.

Sometimes it’s exhausting. Sometimes I’m worried I’m gonna be made fun of for not understanding things, but the effort and care that needs to be taken to understand feels more important in the end

We don’t exist unless we make a point to. I guess.

Media in general is just so isolating I guess, my time away from the internet has made me realize this. How much I will never be able to connect with others because of where I was born.

Yet I still try anyway

Like having to hide a pill for a dog in a sausage. Our representation has to be hidden enough to exist.

I remember being told by a white person they didn’t get why Poe being played by a Latino actor mattered so much. It’s not like latinamerica exists in starwars.
But that’s like- the point

But I also can’t help. I can’t do anything but sit here. And feel like I’m watching through a window. Good and bad.

There’s so little of us out there. Representation wise I mean. Scraps and a few names here and there to keep your eye on. Our stories only get told when they’re hidden

I see products and things I’d love to have but even if I could afford it, don’t get imported or shipped here.

I can’t relate to Mexicans living in the United States. I can’t even envy them with how it’s going over there. But the culture feels so different a border wall away.

Like- it’s also on me. My peers use Instagram and I despise it enough to not use it. But even then, even platforms I share with them feel insanely isolating

I see recipes for things I can’t afford or even have access to the ingredients for. Cause they don’t get imported here

Rumination more then a vent
Probably inspired by the time

But the internet is insanely isolating when you’re not from a first world country

Fun story of today was my roommates mom calling me to ask if I could wake up my roommate thus waking me up at 8am.

My roommate proceeded to not even go to the thing her mom woke me up for, which wasn’t an emergency to begin with

AAAAAA A HITMAN (manifesting it would be so awesome)

Team members genuinely piss me the fuck off with their lack of autonomy. It feels like if you don’t do it for them, there’s no way they’re doing it themselves ughhhhh

I keep having dreams of being gifted a pet to take care of and wake up sad
Today I got a crusty white dog

Oops

/srs at this point I did a mass unfollowing on main because my for you page was pissing me off.

Seeing far too much sexualizing of women / afab bodies
I must balance the universe with capn in a bikini /j

My parents might have been disappointed by my 25% scholarship but it’s actually made my tuition insanely affordable and cheap
So I’m happy
I’ll just have to work hard to maintain it

Missing Harley,,, orz

If you’re rooting for my downfall you’re still not getting it tho sorry<3
I don’t regret being the way I am I just need to analyze it and manage it

I won’t just disappear, still here and there
But ya girl needs to stew
I can’t fix everything always and forever
And I can also have moments of faltering like anyone else
Crazy, to be human and all that

This sounds vague and aggressive
I’m just a lil tired of myself honestly, I get too caught up in my own head and I need to shoot an atlas complex out back rq
Genuinely not about anyone rn but myself and a need to just exist.
In my most eel in cave mode

I’m gonna be as offline as I can as I feel a genuine exhaustion in my chest at online things and like
Idk I don’t have time for that, I have irl shit that’s more fun and important to manage

When I graduate all I’ll get is jokes about how long it took
Every remark of celebration will be said in the same breath as a joke

No matter how hard I try to celebrate I’m left just laying on the floor wondering what’s the point of trying
Oh well

(About family)
Like man
Why do I even try?

Bank: use the app to do the thing
The app: go to the bank to do the thing

Went to the bank
Bank told me to go eat shit and die
I was like damn ok!!!