🎨Vincent Van Bro

Pizza Rolls are not considered fully cooked until they look like they’ve been in a head on collision.

More like Ariana Pequeña, am I right?!

How many more weeks of winter Phil?

Phil: 6-7

And Jesus said unto his disciples “Fuck around and find out.”

Me: I’m going to Slaw School.

Date: Oh you’re going to be a lawyer?

Me: …no

Date: Wait, do you mean Culinary School?

Me: nope. Just Slaw.

Date: …

INTERVIEWER: what is your greatest strength

ME: i go berserk whenever i hear an oxymoron

INTERVIEWER: wouldn’t that be your greatest weakness

ME: *lunges across desk*

Watch out for ICE this weekend. Very dangerous to many citizens. May cause injuries or worse.

This is a post about weather.

Did you know if you’re chewing gum while spinning on the Gravitron you can spit it out of your mouth and it will land back in your mouth? Give it a try for science!

Damn. That’s impressive.

“Honk if you____” is the analog version of a Repost.

Philanderist and Philanthropist are too similar spelling wise for me not to accidentally put it on my resume.

What’s the carbon footprint of having to go to the hardware store multiple times just to complete one project?

Wonder Park New Year’s Resolutions:
• Figure out why the fountain on Main Street keeps “bleeding”
• Less fecal matter, uh, everywhere
• No more “controlled” fires
• Break even. Just once.
• Either fully submit ourselves to the rule of Hush-Hush or find an exorcist. No more half-assed commitments

Sending me one last email to let me know I’ve unsubscribed is so desperate.

There is nothing i’ll do faster in life than pull up receipts to prove I was right.

The amount of restraint that I use at this job could power a nuclear reactor.

How is your year going so far? Currently I’m at the “If I got into a car accident I wouldn’t have to go to work today” stage.

After finishing a really good book series I’m having trouble finding a new book to get into.

Lawyers saying we can no longer use the word “amusement” in our advertising.

Photo of a prismatic light up bear.

At what age do I look in the mirror and decide “you know what, my pants could be pulled higher”?

[Fruit of the Loom board meeting]

CEO: i know you’re all busy so i’ll keep this briefs brief brief

Did you know that when you buy a rollercoaster you have to put it together yourself? Like, it doesn’t come pre-assembled. Like, there are tons of parts here and I don’t know what screwdriver to use.

gravy boats imply the existence of gravy maritime law

PSA: last nights “light show” was not planned and it technically was called an “explosion.” Nevertheless, we’re glad you enjoyed it, but there will not be a repeat performance tonight.

Far Side Comic. Picture of Dr. Frankenstein and his Monster in front of a Christmas tree holding a jar with a brain in it, with the caption “And that’s a lot bigger than the one you’re using now!”

It’s been six days since my last skeet.

Hey watchit, I’m reskeetin hear!

Her: I need to be with a guy who's an out of the box thinker

Schrödinger: *grabbing his coat* Goddammit

Hickory Farms is the Spirit Halloween of Christmas.