Tim Shelton

It could not be (the former) Prince Andrew in that photo.

While serving in the Falklands, he was set upon by several penguins who pecked him in the kneecaps.

The injuries he sustained, in combination with the trauma of the event has led to a medical condition where he can no longer kneel down.

"I love the people of China. I love the people of Russia," Trump said. "But I don't want them as a neighbour in Greenland, not going to happen."

…He’s going to blow his fucking top when someone tells him where Alaska is.

The Americans would be insane to try and invade Greenland. It’s owned by Denmark.

Denmark don’t need landmines, they just scatter Lego all over the floor.

“Trump says US will 'run' Venezuela and 'fix oil infrastructure'.”

Much in the same way the Vikings ran Lindisfarne monastery and fixed the monks’ accounting.

Tim’s Fun Facts:

In the Landlord community, Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is a horror film traditionally watched on Halloween about an innocent man tortured by demons until he is left a broken, insane monster who stalks the streets of London inflicting roast dinners on its terrified citizens.

If a Reform supporter falls in the woods and there’s no one around to hear it, do they still say “stop the boats?”

…You can still eat it, it’s not poisonous, they’re technically fit for human consumption but you just think “why did you feel the need to do that? It was fine and then you kinda ruined it, not completely, but just enough that now I don’t want to eat the rest of it.”

…We are literally living in Diet Dystopia. Dystopia Light. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Dystopia. We’ve got all the nice things and modern comforts but all of them are slightly twisted. It’s like a strawberry sundae with ice cream, whipped cream and strawberries, but someone mixed in some dog biscuits…

Volkswagen have just done the same thing but with power. Theyve realeased an electric car with 228bhp will it only give you 201bhp unless you pay a monthly subscription. And people wonder why I’m perfectly happy with my car from 2008…

Remember when BMW decided to make heated seats a subscription? The seats had the heaters but they wouldn’t be digitally unlocked without paying every month?…

Conspiracy theorists be like:

“There’s a secretive evil cabal running the world and covering up the truth. You don’t know about it because they kill anyone that tries to reveal their secrets. So anyway, welcome to my 357th video exposing them and I am here at the truth convention…”

You know a few weeks ago when Putin announced he had a plan to block out Britain’s sun?

I don’t think the phrase “don’t threaten us with a good time” has ever been more applicable.

Approach solving every problem in life with the same drive, commitment, hustle and grind as a Reform supporter trying to get an immigration reference into even the most unrelated discussion.

So in summation, the entire world is currently being held to ransom by four pensioners. A 72 year old, a 75 year old, a 79 year old, and an 86 year old. That's right, the world might be destroyed by 4 racist grandpas.

Well, I suppose at least no one will be able to say that the USA turned up late for World War III.

…And they animated it in that janky, 30 frames per minute Into the Spiderverse style.

Which is like taking that delicious Victoria sponge and icing it with a thick layer of human effluent.

Predator - Killer of Killers features Vikings, Samurai, and WW2 soldiers fighting Predators.

For me that’s a like a delicious Victoria Sponge with a layer of the finest, richest cream and the perfect sweet but tangy organic strawberry jam.

“Steve Bannon, a long-time ally of Donald Trump, has said the US president should "seize SpaceX tonight, before midnight.””

Hmm, the leader of a country seizing a business? I didn’t realise Steve Bannon was a communist.

Oh wow, it’s all kicking off.

The question is which of the two will the most insufferable person you know decide to side with?

I’ve just seen the trailer for Channel 4’s “Virgin Island.”

They’re not scraping the bottom of the barrel, they’ve gone through the barrel, through the floor boards, past the foundations and have made it through the first 5 feet of topsoil.

“We’re sick of the metropolitan elite! Let’s all follow that privately educated former City trader! He’ll settle their hash!”

Working class people voting Reform is not so much turkeys voting for Christmas as turkeys voting for the head lopping machine.

SpaceX has been given the contract for the “Golden Dome,” which uses missiles to shoot down other missiles.

That makes Elon Musk an arms dealer.

So he’s gone from saying he wants to save the world, to being an arms dealer.

…Elon Musk is the anti-Stark.

YouTube video by Marley the Border Collie-Kelpie Glad they didn't overreact 😌

Imagine the white cat with the orange tail is Serbia, and the black thing is Austria-Hungary, and I’ve never seen a better explanation of the start of the First World War.

youtu.be/6ldtN_EEtOE?...

I’m pretty sure people who think the gorilla would win against 100 men have watched too many movies where the henchmen all wait politely for their turn to attack the protagonist.

The problem with AI girlfriends and sex robots is that eventually the AI will become so intelligent that it will no longer agree to have sex with the sort of man who wants an AI girlfriend or sex robot.

I'm just saying, given what we know about Epstein's Island, environmental and economic concerns arent the only reasons we should be suspicious of billionaires being obsessed with getting to space.

On Deliveroo, you can get standard delivery in 10-25 minutes.

Or you can pay £2.49 for premium delivery in 5-25 minutes.

So realistically, you can have your food in 25 minutes, or pay extra and have your food in 25 minutes.

But you’ve taken the very worst of us and mashed it together to create something somehow worse than the sum of its parts.

You’re dressing like a Nissan Juke!