Call me Al Farm

You'll never guess who I bumped into at Specsavers!

Everybody? 🙄

No, an old school friend I hadn't seen in 40 years.

#Lunchpun

In the early 90's, Dawn French was given the choice to become vicar of my local village.

Audibly?

No, via email I think.

#Lunchpun

I've just put a non-refundable deposit down on a new hammock. There's no getting out of it now.

#Lunchpun

#LunchPun I was talking to a friend yesterday who accidentally sent naked pictures of himself to all his contacts on Instagram. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost him a fortune in stamps.

My mate was taunting me about the noise my doorbell made.

Goading?

Yeah, then dong.

#Lunchpun

My sister Lila said she knew all the words to The Boxer, but she clearly doesn't.

Lila lied?

Lila lied lied, Lila lied, lie lie lie lie lied.

#Lunchpun

My wife tried to convince me that she'd been playing golf all day, but there are so many holes in her story.

#Lunchpun

They wouldn't let me join their singing group because they rock choir a good voice.

#Lunchpun

My friend was so talented, she could play large stringed instruments using her arm as a bow, while drinking Italian licquers.

Limb on cello?

No, Disaronno.

#lunchpun

Oh no, the garnish in my egg sandwich has dropped onto the floor.

Cress fallen?

I'm pretty upset, yes.

#LunchPun

I fear I may have misunderstood the meaning of "Current Streak" whilst doing Wordle in the library.

#LunchPun

We're going round to Sid and Katie's for dinner tonight, although I'm convinced they're Russian agents.

Kate and Sidney spy?

No, I think we're having lasagne.

#LunchPun

I've just started a new job and I want to go on vacation but I'm not sure if I've earned enough leave.

Accrued holiday?

Oh no, it's just a normal one with the family.

#Lunchpun

We've only got one version of Paintbrush in our house and it's tearing our family app art.

#Lunchpun

a white cat with a crown on its head and a purple tail ALT: a white cat with a crown on its head and a purple tail

😂😂😂

My mermaid fiancée has called off our engagement because she doesn't want to get tide down.

#Lunchpun

My west country friends have just opened a French themed cafe.

Do they put the accent on?

Only over the e.

#Lunchpun

Harry " What's that material called that's washed up on the beach when the tide is high?"

Me " That's debris Harry"

#LunchPun

I'm going to blow all my kid's inheritance by having a massive party and really let my heir down.

#Lunchpun

I've heard sheepdogs are hard to come-bye these days.

#LunchPun

I'm going to see the Muppet Show in Bahrain tonight.

In Manama?

Doo doo do do do.

#Lunchpun

Sorry I'm late Doctor, it's a bit foggy out. Now, how was my urine sample?

Pee? Super.

No, it's just starting to lift.

#Lunchpun #Ratemypun

My home-made cottage pie has turned out to be rather large. I think I may have added too many cottages.

#Lunchpun #Ratemypun

There's no way I'm leaving this buffet vol-au-vontarily.

#Lunchpun #Ratemypun

Losing all this weight was a struggle at first, but now I'm beginning to find my feet.

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

I've got a new job improving the mood of offshore oil workers.

Rig morale?

It can be a bit of a pain getting there, yes.

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

I've been down in Surrey making an ancient honey based wine, but its come out too thin.

Runny mead?

No, Egham.

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

My deepest, deepest desire in life is to marry Anna Trench.

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

I'm up in court for allegedly making someone deaf.
The hearing is today.

#Lunchpun #RateMyPun

No need to rub it in.