Gene

Bette Davis and Garfield by cartoonist Jim Davis, mostly just their eyes

It also works if you sing the lyrics “She’s got Jimmy Davis eyes”

Dream where Trump’s personal White House chef sells a special truffle-flavored Marlboro that I buy, but the only way to light the cigarette is to steal flint from the Nazis (including Hitler), which I do, but end up accidentally burning everything in the world down, and then my dad gets mad at me

Hell yeah

The butt lift business isn’t what it used to be

Wearing short shorts outside the Erewhon

Way more interested in taking Ozempic since I heard it takes your soul

Unironically relieved to be back home in LA after a long weekend in small town Texas

🤢

Guess I have to think about Diddy's penis every Halloween until I die

I got my hands up, they're praying my psalm

Alt Lit turns 44 with two teenagers and a receeding hairline

It’s really easy to tear things down and talk shit but also it’s really important to tear things down and talk shit

Wasted tired from eating bagels and walking

I like it in rap videos when the rapper points a gun at the camera and suggests they want to kill me

These motherfuckers

Raisins: God’s Gummies

An email talking about spreading VapoRub inside a toilet

Emails are fucked up

Remember listening to The Doors when I was a teenager and my parents rolling their eyes and I was in shock because The Doors are good, mom and dad!!! And now every time a kid mentions Nirvana, a band that I also loved as a teenager, my eyes roll so far back in my head that I can see my own ass.

My wife calls as I’m leaving the grocery store with eggs and I give a Tesla driver the bird

Pretty sad when you get new underwear and your previous “good” underwear becomes your new “bad” underwear

Scary that they’ll eventually become nepo teens

One thing about eggs is that they never go bad and you can eat them forever

Spiders think I’m too big to see them but I do see them and I’m scared of them

It is through my children that I learn about the world’s first goonicide

Accidentally clicked on a pen ad and fucked-up my hat-ads-only algorithm

Mira’s in the basement mixing up the medicine

Horse painting on a red wall above a horse book on a table

Loving this horse area

Andy Cohen is my Bill Walton

The price of eggs has gone up so much in the past two hours that my life has been ruined

The world has been ruined by fuckin’ dorks