Suburbanista

Photo of modern woman superimposed over 1900s Dallas street, captioned with "Dallas woman sent back in time 125 years reports 'abysmal' dating scene after not finding even one guy who owns a car"

"I don't care if he gets around just fine on the trolley. I don't care if he's an oil baron worth $30 billion in 2025 money. If he doesn't have a car, he's just clearly not even trying," Emily told Suburbanista via a collection of journals found in a crawlspace at Old City Park.

There's no need to make this political!

We need a big tent. The far right brings important ideas about city dwellers (like cyclists), and the communists bring the necessary experience for funding highways and other car infrastructure.

All car-centric ideas are welcome among our Subscribers.

Photo of man enjoying his life by eating fast food while going with the flow in gridlock traffic, captioned with "North Texas man glad this isn't his only existence, looks forward to making up years spent driving in afterlife"

North Texas highway commuter Greg Johnson tells Suburbanista that he'll participate in #WeekWithoutDriving when he's dead.

"Sure, a city where driving isn't necessary sounds nice, but people forget that North Texas' roads take hundreds of us to a city like that every year. It's called Heaven."

The kindness of our Subscribers never ceases to amaze us and warm our hearts!

Thankfully, there is no need to donate, as the Benson family has successfully sued the cyclist's estate for $5 million for emotional damages and "sentimental devaluation" of the car, which now has an aftermarket bumper. 💔

We at Suburbanista are deeply saddened when anyone loses their lives on the road, but this cyclist has provided an unfortunate example of how arrogantly hogging the bike lane creates a safety issue for everyone.

We wish the driver's family peace and healing.

Photo of dented car bumper, superimposed with photo of motorist Chad Benson, who was inconvenienced when a cyclist failed to leap out of his way. Captioned with "Dallas cyclist posthumously charged with impeding traffic after failing to clear path for speeding motorist"

Investigators say the deceased cyclist failed to make eye contact with the motorist who hit him from behind in the bike lane.

"The cyclist hit the car from the front, causing a major annoyance for the driver and hundreds of dollars in damage to the front bumper," a source told Suburbanista.

Some amazing, festive options for North Texans from all over to drive to! 🍂

Carpooling is a great idea. A family of four shouldn't need more than two cars.

You can also help the environment by turning down the music on your 100 mile trip to the pumpkin patch, saving a few watt-hours for our Earth!

I swear it's like some people have never read the parable of the broken window. Window repair puts food on tables!

A #WeekWithoutDriving is a cruel and unprovoked boycott of Dallas' trauma surgeons, air quality analysts, and injury lawyers.

Do you want Jim Adler the Texas Hammer to have to go home to his wife and kids and tell them that there will be no food this week, and that they may even lose the house?

Grandscape is walkable. NorthPark is walkable. We're building a drive-in walking simulator in Plano that will offer legacy cities.

Suburbanites just don't want to be forced into this alternative lifestyle. Imagine being stuck in gridlock traffic behind your neighbors on a dirty sidewalk. No thanks!

We never lose hope in anyone.

Good suburban experiences transform lives. Your "transit queen" daughter needs to find the right drive-thru and experience a freshly resurfaced parking lot in a beautiful suburb.

Send her to North Texas and have her follow Suburbanista. We can still save her.

Are the people in the buildings looking both ways and wearing reflective clothing? The only "issue" is people not building inclusive spaces for cars, then getting upset when they simply try to coexist with us.

There are CHILDREN on this platform! Your deviant lifestyle is your right as an American, but it's not right to put statements like that out in the open where children can read them!

America's cities would have very little parking if it weren't for cars. Show some gratitude!

If housing were attainable, young folks would have nothing to work for.

Boomers didn't have access to the stimulants, therapy apps, social media disassociation, and other coping tools that millennials and gen Z do. Anyone working less than 160 hours a week in 2025 doesn't *want* housing.

Photo of car crashed into restaurant, captioned with "Cars driving into restaurants more often as habitat loss to pedestrians rises, says Celina car ecologist"

"Habitat loss is the primary driver of car-human interactions, followed by the precipitous drop in children playing outside," car ecologist Jennifer Stevens told Suburbanista.

"If cars can't find their prey on the sidewalks or on a residential street, they're going to start looking elsewhere."

Bicycles are recreational toys, not real transportation.

Serious people would accomplish this task with a practical vehicle designed for hauling cargo like a lifted Ford F-150 RAPTOR, preferably with a Punisher wrap to deter thieves.

Photo of gated community members holding vigil captioned with "Far North Dallas residents hold vigil for 22 lane freeway that DART Silver Line train should have been"

"It was cut short before it was even conceived!," one resident tearfully told Suburbanista.

"Those planning to ride this train when it opens on October 25th should be deported to the sun for mocking everything the freeway would have stood for. The hypothetical road is now with Christ in Valhalla."

My lifted diesel truck has four wheels. Nissan Versas have four wheels. We are more alike than different.

Now, more than ever, is the time for cultural healing.

We all have unexamined prejudices. Tolerance and inclusion is a journey unique to each individual.

We're building a drive-thru experience in Frisco that will teach about suburban culture, history, and values open to all with a presentable car.

If an honest perspective on how suburbanites see life bothers you, we encourage you to examine your unconscious biases against the gated community.

Do you get upset when you hear contemporary Christian rock music? Turn your nose up at cultural establishments like Applebee's?

Try journaling.

Thank you for the kind words!

We don't think anyone's minds are broken, but while driving brings clarity and peace, pedestrians and transit riders tend to be confused and irritable.

We set out to investigate in the Suburbanista monster truck, and every cyclist we followed became quite angry. Why?!

We hope your employer doesn't see you making light of this tragedy, and urge you to reflect on the black void in your heart that causes you to feel so much hatred for the gated community.

Suburbanites are going to have to sit in gridlock traffic on 635 with the knowledge that an elite class of commuters are sailing past them a few miles north, all because our regional governments wouldn't stand up for the highway expansions that North Texans crave.

Anyone joking about this is sick.

North Texas' suburban way of life will take another step toward oblivion on October 25th, and the powerful public transit rider lobby couldn't be happier.

Mandatory driving is in the DNA of DFW, but they want to erase our car-centric identity and culture.

This is NOT normal.

Finally, we've found a pollinator worth saving some habitat for.

@thenimbee.bsky.social, if they ever try to knock down your hive to build affordable housing, we've got your back.

bsky.app/profile/then...

We're coming prepared with an encyclopedic knowledge of amenities at Dallas' most prestigious gated communities, and are memorizing 100 years of Dallas crime statistics compiled by Frisco Nextdoor users as we speak.

Good luck, everyone else!

Our Subscribers meet neither the athleticism to walk or bike, nor the Ivy League book smarts to understand a bus route.

Perhaps one day pedestrians, bike commuters, and transit riders will leave their elitist ways behind and meet at an Outback Steakhouse with ample parking like the rest of us.

Photo of phone conversation with chatbot captioned with "Dallas to address resident complaints about abysmal road safety with new AI chatbot trained on over 78 billion excuses"

"DallasBot, why can't the city implement traffic calming or narrow roadways to reduce speeding?"

"We're sorry, but the API limit has been reached for today."

"There is no API limit, is there?"

"There is not. Would you like me to write a poem about how Phoenix' roads are almost as bad?"

Had Plano continued to invest in car-centric higher learning, US-75 might have been a triple decker with 30 lanes, with each direction connected by deck parks on each level lined with single family homes for the thousands of highway employees.

University of Plano was a place of courageous dreams.

Historical black and white photo showing highway through Plano, TX. Foreground sign says "Univ of Plano Next Exit." Background shows complex of gas stations off the exit.

This historical photo of the University of Plano is bittersweet.

Today's compulsory driving advocates stand on the shoulders of giants who studied at the Fina School of Parking Lot Engineering and the Enco Mobil College of Defunding Public Transit.

Plano used to *believe* in cars. What happened?