probably by just starting w makeup

trying to think of drag makeup for myself, i think once we're stable im gonna actually start dipping my ugly toes into drag

yeah im mostly over it now but it still hurts and makes me feel weird, esp when theyre like 10 years younger than me and saying shit like they "loved" me (i barely knew them lol) and were trying really hard to take back their donation

friends and family (no shit, donations are donations, im not offering a fucking service)

so to this person, 1 + 2 = im scamming people and dont deserve help at all lol

ask about that shit in the future. it felt like more effort and drama would ensue from that so i just blocked. what really baffles me is that they were pissed that
1. i took a donation from them before blocking (had no idea they did, i dont know their government name)
2. have donations set to

so i blocked them bc i really felt disrespected as a human, it felt like finger wagging was more important than the safety and shelter of me and my family. i felt like if i didnt block them that id feel compelled to explain why they chose a shitty moment to do that, and also tell them how to better

its kind of insane, and theyre mad bc i hate disabled people i guess

what disturbs me is that this person is almost 10 years younger than me, barely talked to me, and claimed that i was someone they "loved" like who are you really. i don't know you like that

me: thanks for the rts guys we are poor and i cant do laundry
this asshole: i would repost your work but you dont use alt text,sad emoji

like on what planet is that fucking acceptable

i didnt block u for asking me to accomodate you, i blocked you for being a dumb asshole who chose to finger wag me instead of like understanding that im fucking poor

just learned the person i blocked for finger wagging me for not using alt text while begging for money is accusing me of scamming people lmfao

was about to post "i wish i got invited to do stuff" but then i remembered shit i posted like 2 hours ago and realized people probably see that evil dark shit in my soul and avoid me

i do not feel in control of my emotions or thoughts, i feel like an avatar for grief and sadness, i feel like an object with no shape or definition, i feel like something that is not supposed to be present in reality

it is objectively unfair that i was born with a brain that tries at every turn to make me miserable, to make me crave death, its not fair that i was born under circumstances that fed those cordyceps in my brain, its not fair that there are huge walls in place to stop me from getting help

i am tired of reliving the emotions of past suicidal ideation, i am tired of ruminating (unintentionally, subconsciously) on how fucked my life has been, please just let me have a normal fucking life instead of being a fucking golem of despair

but then i have days where my grief and emotions make me borderline hallucinate, for lack of a better term, and everything feels as claustrophobic and hopeless as when i was 13, 17, 23, etc

most of the time i downplay, to myself, the idea that i have ptsd of any kind - i write it off as hypochondria and some innate need to diagnose every emotion

no matter how hard i try i always fuck everything up abysmally nothing i do ever works the way i intend it to and im just a fucking failure through and through

like whatever bot this is can you fully just fuck off forever

hi can you fuck off

i want to throw myself into a gutter i want to shave my head i want to set myself on fire

.

i just want weed to help manage my aggressive depression and obsessive mind, i want comfort food, i want a massage gun for my physical pain, but there's not even a guarantee we can pay for our room this week so i just feel constant agony

nothing will ever feel good, nothing will ever relieve this dread,i will never be able to reach out, and i will never be understood

i don't know what to do anymore

feeling a deep and intense dread that makes me feel nauseous in my stomach

i dont know what to do

trying so hard not to freak the fuck out about how bad we need money for rent/ storage/food, about how slow shares are on what im trying to sell, about how it feels like i have to criminally undercharge my work for literally anyone to be able to afford it, i don't feel like i can do this anymore

i can't tell if they like forgot we have differing opinions on what i consider an important niche lgbt topic or if they like learned their previous position was transphobic and feel differently now. i kind of want to dm the moot that knows them but i don't want to be annoying

there's a follower i have that I've been on/off moots with bc on twitter they'd have beef with me for being pro-"mspec" lesbians and i mean they'd straight up block me a lot. i noticed a few months ago they refollowed me here and regularly interact w me - i don't have a problem w this but