SBS

I think it's cute that my boy calls me a bear not because of body hair, because I'm not that hairy, but because of what happened when I took testosterone for about a month or two

Body hair's supposed to come later. It came immediately
I'd be a bear if I just actually took my T gel

I'm going through a horrendous clash of being myself and my family having a sudden language barrier between us, calling me terrible, and one of the only people who would get this exact problem isn't fucking here cause his chud of a doctor failed him in the most basic of areas that cost him his life

"Stealing??" STREAMING. STREAMING spaces
Jfc autocorrect

I had to slam my foot down on boundaries and start cutting people off lately, which is REALLY HARD to do in stealing spaces, and I just want to be alone. I don't want to do an 8 hour stream in front of who knows how many people today. I wanna be alone while I can be

I'm just, exhausted. This is the first time I've had the house completely to myself in so fucking long and I'm so fucking tired. I'm so fucking stressed.

As someone who loves my job and a chunk of it involves hanging with folks I really respect or really enjoy the company of, I feel it's really telling when I'd rather completely seclude myself for 12 hours instead of working today

Do know, that's not gonna stop me, but it's something I really try to keep in mind

I think one of the funniest and most unfortunate things about this streaming thing working out is I'll see people hanging in my server working on art & I wanna hop in & see what they're up, and for a moment I forget that I'm the popular streamer & someone's gonna clam up with me suddenly hopping in

Another day where 🟫 is stressed because I'm bedrotting and he wants to scoop me out and clean me up, because I'm in full shutdown, but have to unmatt my hair and fix myself before I leave in an hour and a half

But he can't. Because he's an alter. Not a physical person

I wish he could. Desperately

Today was the first time 🟥 snatched the reins while I was live and it was because he wanted to read a character's lines in a game

Here's to hoping this doesn't become a regular thing, because 🟦 doing that suddenly while live is enough of a handful, but I can excuse him. I can't excuse 🟥's behavior

My goal is to show how easy it is to look stuff up on the fly with a phone. And often it ends up with their foot in their mouth, cause they could've looked any of this up on a moment's notice and instead they're spouting nonsense with their whole chest

I've picked up asking them a question that'll get them talking, looking up the thing while they do, then reading a part of it to them once they're done. They say anything about it being one source? I go back and read another. Etc. (1/2)

1. I meant "blunder this," not "plundering"

2. The final update is that he did actually have time to put in a massive food order, but for some reason he changed the payment method - to a card that would decline it immediately. And that's why the order was still in a cart

Actually incredible

As someone who's got a boyfriend that's so lactose intolerant he becomes a bioweapon if he even looks at cheese, agreed

He's bitten someone before and by god he WILL do it again

I hate fighting my instincts. Not because I don't want to fight them, but because it's really fucking hard to go against what has helped me survive up to this point when I know that things are different now and I don't need them anymore

Someone just tried to hack my Uber Eats account

The end result is me now having his address, phone number, unfinished chicken place order still in my cart, and my account still completely mine

This is kind of incredible. How is he plundering this bad

Makes a new OC. 🟥, who realized he can just not look like his source material anymore, claims it as his new look and I have to wrestle it out of his jaws

🟫 doesn't want to be linked to his source material. I start picking at a new look and run it by him. He likes the look but is uninterested

>:l

I shared this with my boyfriend and his response was "He /likes/ you :]"

I'm really not used to this

I remembered how I saw 🟦 and others through some meditation. 🟫 immediately jumps on proposing that. I think about it for two seconds

If it works, could be nice. Could be warm

He's fucking terrifying looking and like three times wider than me Nevermind actually I'll pass That's scary (2/2)

I was musing to myself how I wished I could just like...cuddle with someone right now. 🟫 volunteered immediately

We can't do that. He's not like...a physical person that's here (1/2)

And I can't talk about it in my circles lest I ruin the livelihood of someone who is genuinely trying and just doesn't fucking know better and never has in the 10 years I've known them. It's all they have left. I can't do that to them

I just want to talk about it with bars not held and I don't know where I can. Both because of myself constantly trying to defend their character, and not wanting to burden people with what has happened. It's been so bad. It's been so unimaginably cruel considering it's been so careless

I've been bursting at the seams with everything that's happened up to this point and while I'm a lot better than I was before, I'm still barely holding on to my composure. I thought I knew what a living hell felt like and I was thoroughly humbled by this person - and they don't even fucking know

So many know the person that managed to take everything from me in their desperate attempt to keep him in their life, stitching up the hole that's ALWAYS been in their chest with his corpse
Everyone knows them as someone that is so considerate

The person doesnt know what theyre doing to me is cruel

But I think I need to talk to somebody who doesn't know the people involved. I need to stop trying to save their character just because I know what they're doing isn't intentionally cruel

I guess that's the hard part. I keep trying to cover for their character because they're not a bad person

CW alcohol, death

I feel like, at this point, the only way I'm gonna get everything that's been going on with his passing off of my chest is by getting drunk to stop filtering myself and talking to someone

But who wants to listen to a sad drunk and why would I subject someone to the horror stories

I feel you. I just call them "the guys." Cause, I mean...it's the guys;;

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU /MEAN/ EXPLAINING NEW THINGS TO PEOPLE IS MY TRIGGER?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'M PRACTICALLY A MENTOR FOR STREAMERS AND COMMUNITY MAMAGEMENT. I NEED TO EXPLAIN SHIT FOLKS AREN'T GONNA AGREE WITH AT FIRST /CONSTANTLY/

At least that explains why I'm sporadically super stressed. FFS

The second anniversary of his passing is close and it eats at me that I could do nothing for his first

I wish I had the day to myself and didn't have a six hour event suddenly shoehorned in last minute in the dead center of my day because my friends are horny about aliens in a series of long movies

I want the day to myself to make art. I've been thinking again