Dak

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

Who called them ex-girlfriends and not yesterbaes.

During a Zoom meeting today, I remembered hickies. Do you guys remember hickies? Back when love left marks and not just unread messages.

Family vacations were just us standing in a parking lot eating ketchup packets. ‘Imagine it’s France,’ Dad mumbled, crying into a napkin.

Bought my depression a Louis Vuitton because I am not above bribery.

We didn’t have a dishwasher growing up. Just a dog named Kevin who licked plates ‘clean.’ Health inspectors called him ‘a god’.

A mosquito sued me for wrongful death. The jury wept at its widow’s testimony. I’m now on house arrest.

“no need to worry ma’am” he removes his aviators & glances into middle distance “threat detected on the eastern perimeter has been neutralized.” he flexes his muscles, trying to look tough. “all in a day’s work, y’know?”
-my dog after losing his shit due to a toddler on a tricycle passing our house

I should get to sleep. I have a long day of pretending to work tomorrow

I'll say this much for landlines, I never had an anxiety attack about not being able to find my wall phone.

I’m like a bird in the sense that I will scream at you if I want to fuck

I feel like I should know the answer to this

Me, about almost everything, all the time

the moon doesn’t apologize for taking up space and neither should i

I told myself “I’m fine” and my houseplants all leaned away slightly. One dropped a leaf. Even nature knows I’m lying.

Toaster waffles are edible anxiety grids.

Shoelaces wait until you’re late to question their loyalty.

Moths are just dusty butterflies with goth trauma.

Every time a broom falls over, a ghost gets promoted.

A single fly in your room at 2am is louder than your conscience.

FRIEND: do anything this summer

ME: yeah i took a few road trips

FRIEND: cool where'd you go

ME: nowhere i just fell down in the street a lot

Idk who needs to hear this but if you’re dying on a hill, you’re still dying on a hill.

Nobody will remember:

- your laundry schedule
- your perfectly portioned meal prep
- your gym selfies

Everyone will remember:

- when you wore swim goggles to a chili cook-off because “you don’t trust beans.”

I never know where to put my arms when I sleep.

Every cactus is 80% water and 20% don’t touch me.

"I am a cage, in search of a bird."

- Nicolas Cage playing Franz Kafka

ME: *climbs mountain to find wizened monk* what is the meaning of life?
MONK: It is updog, my son
ME: What's updog?
MONK: *tear of joy runs down their cheek*

If I was Jeff Bezos I would change my name to Amazon Prime

INVENTOR OF THE VEST: fuck you arms

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap you’re welcome

Gingerbread man: i'm just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are