mads

too many objectively funny bad things have been happening to me lately

good morning. i am being hunted for sport right now. its probably fine. im not super worried

HUGE missed opportunity calling it a mammogram and not an inbreastigation

DRUNK BY MYSELF LOCK YOUR DOORS HIDE YOUR WIFE

aching to get back to the yoyo

making airplane noises while I guide a fork into an electrical socket

starting my period on day 3 post breakup has to be one of the cruelest things life could’ve thrown at me

hey shart was mine too :(

why must outfit inspiration always strike when i have no event to attend 💔

yes hello!! here i am!! welcome back!! i’m here on your couch will all my things next to me prepped to depart!! i hope you enjoy the gilmore girls in your netflix watch history next to your sec football show!!

no matter how many times i babysit the parents coming home part never gets less awkward. it’ll probably be that way if i have kids and i watch their children too. why is it so painful every time

just got high to read the terms and conditions

i’ll celebrate labor day when a man gives birth. tired of these sexist holidays

abt to slide myself into a mortuary fridge

i’m tired of being part of the problem i want to be the whole problem

no for sure yeah uh yeah dude i mean cmon like obviously yeah

(i put off doing all my onboarding and training courses until now and they’re due tomorrow)

i know i did this to myself but does it really have to hurt so much…

yeast infection? nah..yeast collection. i’m using my clam as an oven to bake homemade sourdough for the crows in my neighborhood. it’s all fun and games until i show up with a gang full of birds demanding respect!

A as in Apple, B as in Bottom Jeans

@sorenericksen.bsky.social i i love you as though you were my lawyer, veteran, and librarian all rolled up into one spool of thread❤️

yeah i smoked what about it stupid

imagine if clenching your butt cheeks was the only thing keeping your body from falling apart like legos

on some cowabunga type shit

i can’t be trusted with a gun, i’d want to do bits with it. and obviously the bits would be funnier if the gun was loaded

got my dissociates degree

the titty squeeze means nicotine

i’m gonna start talking in the third person

bouncing on it like the dvd logo (aimless technique, never satisfying, avoiding corners, etc.)

you should be able to bedazzle your iud before they put it up there