Tripping my face off and remembered Bluesky exists.

“I’m too high for guac”

No one humbles me like the Spotify AI DJ.

SUPPORT GROUP FOR PEOPLE THAT ARE IN LOVE WITH TODD FROM BREAKING BAD

Deserving of at least 2 michelin stars, if not more.

Thinking about the time when I lived with my Dad after my parents separated and he packed my lunch for the first day of school which consisted of at least 20 ginger snap cookies, an entire bag of baby carrots, and a can of diet Dr Thunder inside an old gallon ziploc bag.

I told my therapist I contacted a psychic while she was on vacation to fill the gap and she suggested we go to twice a week now and I thought she was joking but she wasn’t.

The god complex I get from adding oil and maldon salt to the pot of water for my 89 cent box of mac and cheese.

This is my son, Carl.

If I’m ever sentenced to death via guillotine I already have a joke in my pocket for the executioner. Ready?

As I’m being strapped down I’ll play with my hair and go “Just a little off the top please” and then they’ll think I’m so funny and will offer to let me live but I’ll refuse.

I don’t think skateboard cops exist but that is the worst kind. They’d arrest you for “that ass”, get you addicted to e-cigs, make you feel bad for enjoying clean bed sheets, then ghost you after inviting you on their annual family cruise.

I will accept ONE pigeon

Men that wear Allbirds are inherently evil.