Photo of a text conversation containing a GIF of a Sarlaac monster from Star Wars.

When your bestie asks you to remind her of her favorite #FrenchWine in the middle of the night.
I'm not sure how "Sarlaac" sounds like " #Sauternes ," but here we are.
I later suggested she might also like a #Saussignac because it has fewer teeth than a Sarlaac,but she accused me of making it up.

I've never felt older than night before last when I used my cocktail shaker to mix up one of those green antioxidant powdered drink mixes.
Yesterday morning, I expected the Party Police to show up in all of their disco splendor and pull my Party Princess status card🚨🪩🚨

With those aluminum tariffs I hope the GOP can get used to buying their natty light in Capri Sun pouches.

If I took 'shrooms and attempted pigeon pose there would be paramedics 🚑, a crane🏗️, 2 news crews and a helicopter🚁 to solve the resulting crisis.

🤦🏼‍♀️I do one search for 432hz music for meditation and I'm now inundated with ads for microdosing🍄 while doing yoga.
Please, people. I'm 55 and shaped like a baby Harp Seal🦭.
I have to be stone cold sober and drink 3 extra quarts of water a day for a week before I attempt downward dog or Warrior 1.

The last few weeks have been a #Dunning-Kruger masterclass.

What I had taken for an assault rifle turned out to be a very stylized depiction of a flying #CanadaGoose.
Since they are super ornery, and prone to assault, I felt this was a justified connection in my brain. I also then wondered if there should be a buy back program for Canada geese? 🪿

When I finally got close enough to properly see the signs they turned out to be announcing that this area, and not just the Willapa Bay itself, is part of the protected National Wildlife Refuge.

My brow furrowed in contemplation, I tried to figure out what assault rifles had to do with the ditches? We're people dumping them? Unlikely. Were they extra super prohibited in wetlands? Who knows?

The ditches connect back into the wetland that runs along the spine of the peninsula.
As mentioned, the signs were small, and I didn't have my distance glasses on. All I could make out was a block of text and what looked like an assault rifle.

🪿We were tootling along on our way home from a little 🍣sushi fest when I noticed some small signs sticking up out of a ditch along the road.

Sincerely delighted to discover, 45 minutes into this nearly-wordless three-hour documentary about French monks who take vows of silence, that among the reasons they *can* talk is "to make sure the monastery cats know when it's mealtime by making little kitty-calling noises at them."

Woman in a black and silver lace dress posing on a red carpet.

Somebody needs to tell Cynthia Erivo to leave Noni's fancy black and silver plastic lace placemats alone! Those only come out at Christmas and baptism parties!
#RedCarpet #GoldenGlobes #Fashion

Man posing on a red carpet in a pale aqua colored suit, shirt, and tie.

Well, someone has to sell Jeremy Strong and his seafoam velvet suit some real estate in Miami and apparently it's #SexyPriest
#GoldenGlobes #RedCarpet

Man posing in a light green velvet suit with a matching hat and sunglasses, white turtleneck and black shoes.

I love it when dudes take chances on the #redcarpet, so I'll give Jeremy Strong some credit there.
However, this is *a lot* of sea foam green.
A Lot.
With the bucket hat, glasses and turtleneck I'm getting Maxwell Smart trying to stay undercover in Miami in January 1967.
#GoldenGlobes

Woman posing on the Golden Globes red carpet in a golden yellow flowing skirt and an off the shoulder black long sleeved top with a belt.

Well, Katherine Hahn's skirt is going to the #GoldenGlobes, but I think her top is headed for a Stevie Nicks themed 80's Night at a club called Rumors in Des Moines.
#RedCarpet

Women posing on the Golden Globes red carpet in a white dress with a white fuzzy capelet.

Kaley Kuoco looks like a 13 year old at her Confirmation.
#RedCarpet #GoldenGlobes

Smiling woman in a red fringed dress posing on the Golden Globes red carpet.

Apparently now we know what happens when you cross The Handmaid's Tale with a carwash.
#RedCarpet #GoldenGlobes

Women in a pink jumpsuit with a cape made out of layers of ombre pink fabric.

The Great Bed Ruffle Robbery starring Melissa McCarthy.
Many a 1981 Sears catalog bedroom set is missing it's accessories tonight.
#RedCarpet #GoldenGlobes

Man in a checkered suit on the Golden Globes red carpet.

Is it too much to hope for Eddie Redmayne carrying around a metric shit ton of #Scrabble tiles in his pockets?
#RedCarpet #GoldenGlobes

Man in a black suit with a blue tie slung across his shoulder standing on the Golden Globes red carpet with a background of greenery and roses.

Chalamet has gone straight from Dylan biopic to dissolute 19th century poet with a laudanum problem... I guess that's not really much of a stylistic stretch.
#RedCarpet #GoldenGlobes

Man in a tomato red suit on the Golden Globes red carpet.

You say tomato, I say tomato.
Fashion approved by the Heinz ketchup Fashion Advisory Board.
#RedCarpet #GoldenGlobes

Celebrities Nicole Kidman in a blue and iridescent gown, and Ariana Grande in a white gown with a skirt that looks like a slightly deflated yoga ball. They are posing on a red carpet.

While not the Golden Globes, Here's Ariana Grande at the #PalmSprings #FilmFestival reminding us all to keep those New Years resolutions rolling by remembering to keep our yoga stability balls inflated.
#RedCarpet

#RedCarpet Commentary ahead:
There are rules
Remember, this is my all-inclusive party boat of a timeline, so
No body shaming
No slut shaming
No racist, homophobic, or transphobic twattery

Savage the unfortunate gown, not the person wearing it.

I've got to get a new doctor.
Whose doctor orders a metabolic panel and cholesterol check at 5:30pm on New Year's Eve when I'm 46% Christmas cookie and 38% cheese by volume?
I think there's a prohibition against this sort of thing in the Geneva Convention.

The top of a white plastic food takeout container with a handwritten description of the contents that reads "Ew Beef."

I had no idea #SchittsCreek had a Thai restaurant.

After receiving the yearly heap of family update letters in Christmas cards again this year I wonder why, yet again, I didn't get my act together and send out a "Here's what our asshole #cats did this year and how we did absolutely nothing of note while feeling overly busy" letter?

Exercises that won't land me in the ER explaining to the attending physician that "No, honestly, this had nothing to do with sex or a worker's comp claim. Or both!"

Meanwhile, I'll just wait for some content from someone who is fighting valiantly against #perimenopause, came in last place on Track Day in 5th grade, has never said "No" to the last Oreo in the package, and will teach me a set of truly do-able exercises.

If I could get into any of the starting positions for those #exercise s, let alone *do* those exercises, I wouldn't have this damn hip pain.
You just go ahead and keep doing whatever it is that makes you look like a #squirrel being dry waterboarded while feeding itself nuts with it's hind feet.