The Crane Operator

If you find me posting a bunch of "I'm a bitch" posts, just give me some time to think about if I'll delete it.

I’m gonna start saying “the big game”. It’s so fun. It’ll always be a source of mild ridicule, but it’s also always gonna be a fun thing to say.

I got the shrooms. They were supposed to be good for my anxiety but instead made me think about how much weed I smoked and now I feel like a 25 year old again.

I don’t know how to process that.

If you haven't become kind by this point, I'd say it's probably too late. Now you must harness your cruelty for good, like a miserable asshole daywalker

Ask yourself, "am I harder to kill than I was 8 years ago?"

I'm not butthurt at you, I'm butthurt for you.

I’m not really a big fan of the word “poster” but I’m going to use it anyway.

I don’t really like the word, but it’s a bit of a cliché and I think it’ll work well for my account.
It’s easy to use and it’d be a good word to have around.
I hope it helps.

#poster #socialmedia #posters #posting

well i'm so so sorry you think it's more civilized to shit in your own house than it is for me to shit in my own backyard like our ancestors have done for thousands of years.

some people just don't respect tradition.

What do you mean I don’t have a squirrel?

Prediction for 2025: sexy bigfoot.

A: You’re not allowed to be a jerk, you have to learn to be an ass.

B: You have to go to bed now.

I’m sorry, I can’t see your face. I’m just a silly little bitch.

me (being a jackass): "You know, I do have *carnival* knowledge of the queen". 😏

me (soon after): hanging lifelessly at the gates of the castle.

I just don’ t want to be a busy bitch who’s also a bong bitch and a cigarette bitch all at the same time.

(political discussion during Christmas)

me: calmly gets up and goes to the kitchen. Sticks hand in garbage disposal. Turns it on.

*look of relief washes over my face*

I’m not one to complain about the world, but I’m very tired of people complaining about my food.

It’s a food culture.

I feel like a garbage person this morning. Like I'm made out of garbage. Physically. And it's rotting.

They don't make coffee strong enough for this feeling.

me: I will never forget the taste of your fucken ass.

them: I’m calling the police.

Beef Wellington is just a corn dog from a different socioeconomic background.

Nothing says "chemical fuck boy" quite like Old Spice body spray.

I don't think I'm a very good listener, but I like to think I can read people's tits.
I've had this happen a few times.

My son got sent home from school for from proudly exclaiming to his class that "Eggnog fucks."

What happened to the holiday spirit?

jokes on you, we're here for the dumb/weird shit

Kink comes from inside. And comes from foot porn.

I just want to be able to say "I love you" when I'm texting people but I'm not allowed to do that because I'm on a diet.

-Me, shitposting.
-You, shitscraping.

(watching a cougar drag my son up a rocky cliffside) good luck getting him to brush his teeth

If I'm ever caught with my pants down, I'm gonna throw my pants in a fire. It's a good way to start the day.

I’m sorry, I can’t be friends with you. You’re like a grumpy cat and I’m like a sadistic vampire.

I had to explain that this meeting aggravated my narcolepsy and it came out as "aggravating my necromancy" and I honestly think that's better