DrunkAss

a folgers ad campaign where everyone looks like shit and cries while sipping coffee

The simple joys of a wake & bake accompanied by tater tots with BBQ sauce.

went outside, it's all gone, everything including air

Fumbass is my new internet shorthand for fucking dumbass

Sometimes I fucking wonder why dating is so fucking difficult then I remember too many fucking adults have trouble making friends

I've turned my fucking life upside down more than fucking once for someone and I'll fucking do it again because I'm always all-fucking-in

I have in my hands definitive evidence that my opponent has committed a world-historic evil. Evidence that, were it to be released to the public, would cause his supporters to abandon him and his entire world to crumble to dust. I therefore have no choice but to give in to every one of his demands

I guess we'll see about that

Clicking mindlessly from tab to tab counts as work

The grass is always greener where there isn’t any snow.

not gonna wear a bra to my doctor's appointment today #seduction

Listening to "I can't drive 55" while it's 55 degrees out is how you travel through time.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

fuck off

im watching videos of pretty girls camping in tiny rvs

My degree was in English lit but I went to medical school later after this one time at a party and great quotes just pouring out of me I could not say "coagulate yourself bitch" without sounding pompous ass

a man wearing a white shirt and tie smiles in front of a window ALT: a man wearing a white shirt and tie smiles in front of a window

😂

Sometimes I get jealous of people who are retiring, then I remember they’re nearing the end of their natural lifespan and I get even more jealous.

i can't figure out what this three-cue bullshit is about from context so i'm just going to ignore it

No one is listening to you except your phone

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

my nurse today is sleepy/psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est?

I was as fucking wrecked as the Edmund Fitzgerald yesterday

Texted the happy hour boys, sorry I'm fucking late, I was very busy doing fuck all

I keep looking around for people breaking the 4th wall

If my personal data is so valuable why can everyone sell it but me?

You come to me on this day, national nachos day, and you ask me to email the draft?

😂

Omg almost sent a nude to the wrong uncle!

I sit and chat with the janitor at work every morning and he told me he doesn’t have enough money for food this month. Today I brought him a gift card for groceries and he cried. Shit shouldn’t be this way.

The fucking algorithm isn't fucking algorithming