DrunkAss

Dissociating is not upsetting to others if you patiently explain you are a maidenhead on an ancient ship.

Olympic medals falling apart after being awarded feels pretty on brand for 2026

The staff at my son's school noticed that a youngster had lost their tooth and said:
that's good at your age, not at mine and that felt really poignant for the adults within ear shot.

I can't fucking believe these assholes have me watching c-span.

me acting surprised at the birthday party i planned & threw for myself:

😂kinda wanna say heads will roll once in my life

yeah i'm kinda going to insist on the guillotine

I'm smart and intelligent. A real triple threat.

Wow. The VS lingerie guy.
Didnt see that coming. 🙄

I'm out here fucking smoking on that shit that made Scooby Doo

I’m good at naming dogs

[Olympic tryouts]

“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”

If I'm so dumb how does my body know when it's a full moon

Everybody knows that Pupper just won Downhill Gold

I'm always a little fucking disappointed when I smell weed at the fucking bar and it's not me

When my son was 3 and we were watching RuPaul's Drag Race, he was mesmerized and asked me breathlessly if 'some girls have weenies' and when I said yes he said: 'that's so cool'.

I read Shel Silverstein as a kid, we’re not the same

This day in history. 60. The apostle Paul was shipwrecked off the coast of Malta and was bitten by a viper and the viper died not he so the islanders thought he was a god and became Christians but when a budgie bit me and died the Church of Jim lost congregants which hardly seems fair really.

tax refund: $12.07

me at chipotle: yes. add guac.

Oooh...buy local. I thought you said "Bye, Loco."

I'm much more familiar with that last one.

at least we have the shit posters…

Why isn’t any major US political figure calling for Trump to resign over the Epstein files? This country is utterly depraved.

I liked this film alot.
The ones we fall in love with, those deep relationahips always stay with us on some level, even if we try to erase those memories.

what if i was a tiny mouse, sitting in a hole in a tree watching the spring rain fall on the forest floor?

Fr tho chat, do you think Olive stayed with Popeye because his dick pumped up when he ate spinach or was he just a generous lover in other ways?¿

Even though I’m a 30 year old grown ass woman, it still warms my heart when my dad calls me “Kiddo.” 🩷

of course Jessica Alba is still hot

This Valentine’s Day, I’m loving myself.
She better appreciate it. That bitch.

[sniffly]

I need to make a hot toddy...

*sees I don't have lemon, honey, cinnamon, or cloves*

I need to make a whiskey.

Someone said I was likeable so I immediately googled what condition that is a symptom of.