Jake Varn

Imma need the algorithm to understand when I'm only liking a post out of social obligation to the friend that dm'ed it to me.

I am, in fact, not crying laughing at the CCR needle drop supercut of the Phantom Menace.

My boss: so how's our fourth quarter looking?

Me, the sales manager at the company that makes inflatable frog suits: well, you're never going to believe this, but

Starting to feel like the USMNT getting the World Cup and playing four years of meaningless games was the worst possible scenario for a young team struggling to form a cohesive identity.

[as Jim Downey on that Conan bit]:

Russ Vought? The guy voted mostly
likely to dismantle the government in his HS yearbook?

The difference between $1,000 per person vs $2,000 is so comically large, really shows they're just winging it

I read each email from a website announcing they've "updated their terms" as a threat.

But he got your crewmates killed? I don't recall the details. He was a very magnetic person. He taught me a lot about whales. I don’t know anyone who showed that level of curiosity. Well, next time someone brings up a terrible anecdote about The Pequod I will definitely drop the "whale facts" thing to show that people have two sides. Yeah.

[new Isaac Chotiner interview]

May we all live with the shameless audacity of a University asking its own employees for donations.

I burned my hand making coffee this morning and then promptly left it at home when I went to work. Anyway, time to log in to the email machine and pretend nothing else is happening outside.

Report from the front lines of DC: I dropped off some compost this weekend and ate a breakfast burrito in the park. Where can I apply for my medal of bravery?

Im doing it. I’m thinking about it right now.

Not sure how I’m going to get through these next four years without becoming a crazed street preacher going, “Repent! Repent! You will meet God one day!”

Amazing that every medical profession is still either a doctor, a charlatan, or a witch.

Podiatrists: Feet have so many bones, clearly doctors

Chiropractors: charlatans

Acupuncturists: witchcraft

Dentists: obsessed with teeth, asking me to "open wide" and "spit in my little bucket" - witches

"Big cities are gang-run hell holes"

Meanwhile, big cities:

We should have listened when the modems screamed at us.

Not to be dramatic but this new era of emoji reactions on emails will be the end of me.

I quite literally sold my blood to make rent when I was in college.

I need The Bear characters to start making some decisions or I'm going to lose my mind

The nation's hopes let down yet again by a McConnell from Appalachia.

I'm just trying to get out of the midwest alive

By chance, I'm in Indianapolis during game 7 and the vibes are growing increasingly feral

"I'm happy to report I'm just fine. I lost a button. But I'm gonna sleep in my bed tonight, safe, with my family... At that elevator, I was separated from someone named Edgardo... Edgardo is in ICE detention and he's not going to sleep in his bed tonight."

I’m extremely medieval peasant brained about AI. Do not interact with the demon box.

You'd think he'd have to start swimming to get there.

Waiting around at a Verizon store and just tearing through Rita Bullwinkle's HEADSHOT.

I'm a sucker for these brutal switches between the characters literally getting pummelled in the face to remembering the worst shit they've ever seen in their lives.

very cool that for ten years people at the heights of political commentary insisted to the point of rage that the paramount threat to free speech was “censorious” college students

I for one am excited to read John Steinbeck's new novel, West of Weden this summer

today a Trader Joes cashier looked at my ID and said "starts with 19... yeah, you're good." I take back every nice thing I've ever said about them