Jim Royle

He makes himself big

I mean, what’s going on in the world? Can’t even knock your Mrs to the ground and kick her head in. Yet more woke nonsense.

It’s always the ones you most suspect.

Dave’s van was crushed by a tree in the storm but he’s reluctant to claim on the insurance in case it makes him look woke.

No need to anchor the bin down last night, turns out a Rangers fan kipped in it.

Rangers have lost. Air raid siren going off at the end of the street, directing us all to the shelters until their fans have fucked off back to Scotland.

Needless to say, Barb was fuming when I finally got home at 2pm this afternoon. She thinks I’ve been on a bender, couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth.

Best 35 seconds of my life.

“You’re number 853”

I look up, young bird on the bed, spreadeagle, fanny like the bloody Tyne Tunnel.

“The last bloke said you’d need a bit of warming up”

I look around. Two more cameramen. “Come on pal, get cracking”.

“Quick as you can mate, we’re running behind”

“Aye, no shit, it was light when I joined this queue. Now where the fuck’s the bus?”

“Haha do you mean the bike? She’s in there mate”

He opens a door and shoves me inside, closing it behind me.

“Right, on you go”.

I don’t need telling twice, straight round the corner. Young fella with the camera greets me again. Puts his arm round my shoulder and before I can say anything he’s walked me into a town house.

I stand for about another few minutes and Big Lad reappears, coming back towards me.

“What’s the score?” I ask, puzzled.

“Wasn’t what I was expecting” he says.

Bloody hell, imagine waiting this long for a bus and it turns out to be the wrong one. Not laughing now, pal.

Bouncers usher Big Lad through and he’s off like a bloody greyhound. Fair play, he’s got a good turn of pace on him.

Big lad whips one of them tiny bottles of JD out of his inside pocket and throws it down his neck.

“Bit of Dutch courage!” again, laughing his considerable tits off.

How bad can this bloody bus be?

Couple of bouncers standing on the corner. Must get a bit lairy on the old night bus.

They’re only letting one through at a time. Carnage this. Only big lad left in front of me now.

Lad with the camera muttered something about “B-roll”, filmed a few seconds of our feet on the pavement and pissed off round the corner.

That’s the Tik-Tok generation for you. He’ll probably put some 90’s dance music behind that when he gets home.

We come to a stop along a fairly posh street.

Out of nowhere a young lad appears and shoves a camera in our faces.

“Nearly there guys, big cheer for the camera!”

Most of the lads are giving it massive, like a big away day. I can barely muster a smile at this point.

More hours went by, feet were killing.

“Getting giddy now, old boy” big lad pipes up.

Must know something I don’t, bet the bus is due.

“YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES, WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIVES?!!” she continued.

Fair play, there’ll be a few of us with tea on the table, stone cold.

“LOOK AT THE STATE OF YOU!” she shouted directly at me.

“Go home love, you’re pissed”, I’d lost my temper by this stage.

Older woman walks past.

“YOU ABSOLUTE SET OF DIRTY FUCKING BASTARDS” she screams at us.

Pubs have started kicking out, she’s clearly been on the piss.

Another couple of hours go by. Still moving forward, don’t even recognise what bit of town I’m in at this stage.

“Absolute piss take, this” I muttered.

“Oh don’t worry it’ll be well worth it!” big lad chuckled.

Typical that I get stuck behind the nutcase.

“Here, get this down your neck” the big lad in front handed me half a sarnie.

“Yeah nice one pal, wasting away here” I quipped, patting the old stomach.

“Aye, need to keep our energy up, we’ll need it” he laughed.

Why’s he laughing again? Nothing funny about this, transport system is a joke.

Every now and then a car would speed past, windows down, lads inside shouting “Oi Oiiiiiiii” at us.

Assumed it must be like that “bus wankers” thing from years ago, you know what the kids are like these days.

Couple of hours went by, felt like we’d moved miles but still no sign of a bus. Not going to be home in time for tea, Barb will be getting worried.

“You’re brave, nowt over your face” a big lad in front said.

“Aye, regretting it a bit now” I said, visibly starting to shiver.

“You will be when the wife sees you!” he laughed.

Barb does kick right off when I go out without a scarf, but I’m not sure why that’s so funny.

Quite a few of the lads in front of me were wearing balaclavas. I was a bit unnerved by this as it was getting dark, but to be fair there’s been a cold snap recently and the wind was getting up, so I could see why some had wrapped up warm.

The queue was moving pretty steady, but still couldn’t see the end in sight. After a while we’d moved off the high-street altogether. Must be a temporary bus stop I thought, there’s been road works for a fortnight.

A father and son joined behind me.

“Here on your own?” the dad asked.

“Aye, that your son?” I replied.

“Yeah, the lads at work think it’s weird, but we just want to share a new experience together”

I thought, alright calm down, you’re only getting the number 63 home, you freak.

Did a bit of shopping in town yesterday afternoon. Went to get the bus home, queue was longer than usual. Snaked right the way up the high-street. Thought it was a bit weird, but joined the line.

Surely even that knobhead over there wouldn’t want to be associated with this proven failure?

YouTube video by TYSONGREER SHADY Paul Danan sacked for swearing at Xmas lights switch-on

Another gem. Swearing at the Christmas lights switch-on in Preston.

youtu.be/UzjGPr5hLVs?...