Gerald

Making 67 hand gestures with my kids like it's 1999 & I'm putting the shape of an L on my forehead.

Hi. Followed

Assholes do talk shit

They need a doorbell that sounds like a threatening dog growling and it makes solicitors piss themselves.

freeze drying this extra love someone might need it someday

My corporeal form exists merely to be a Museum of Fuckery.

Little known fact: there are actually 51 ways to leave your lover, bc you can just call and break up with them.

me: is that a new coverup?

her: this thing? i've had it forever.

me: so it's the same old sarong

her:

When there is no "lol" at the end of your sentence, then I am not sure if it was sarcastic lol

We are all of us the 52-hertz whale, singing our weird song whether we are heard or not

I guess “do you eat your mom‘s pussy out with that mouth?” wasn’t the right phrase to use for that foul language he used.

I woke up alive.

Again!

I rejoice in this gift of another beautiful day in this miracle of a human body with its limitless capacity for awareness, joy, delight, and pleasure. My teacup heart overflows with love for life.

I serve from the saucer with humility and deep, deep gratitude.
🙏☕️🙏

Last time I stopped to think something through some beavers built a dam around me.

Do you ever hear about someone's shitty upbringing and want to go back in time and throat punch every single person who hurt them because, despite it all, they're an incredible person and didn't deserve that?

I love you!

I just got back from Dubai, where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboros, but hey, a deal is a deal...

*gently cradling your face in my hands* kiddo, you’re not right in the ol’ noodle

Yes it is

They had to move the inauguration indoors because it's going to be a cold day in hell

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?

*my sanity, probably

How about some cheeseburgers with all that beef ya got?

I'm not everyone's dose of microplastics.

a cartoon of a man with braces on his teeth and the words " heh heh heh heh " below him ALT: a cartoon of a man with braces on his teeth and the words " heh heh heh heh " below him

Deep pink

Alexa, bend over and kiss your butt goodbye.

We were poor and couldn’t afford Slinkys so we just threw ourselves down the stairs

Following all here