Will Abeles

“Cal-i-for-nia girls, we’re unreliable.” - Katy Perry, 2025

This has been in my head all day and I’m sorry, I didn’t know where else to go.

Kill Tony is at Bridgestone in God’s Country this weekend. I’m sure it’ll be nothing but good Christians spreading the Lord’s Prayer.

Why is there a subgenre of men that are shaped like and walk like penguins and why are they almost always the most prolific keyboardist you’ve ever seen?

When Nostradamus predicted the Anti-Christ, imagine showing him a picture of trump hunched over his stool with his gut pushing into his thighs and that dumb face he makes and Nostradamus being like “f*cking this guy?!”

If you go home with someone and they don’t have an Rx bottle on their bedside table, get the f*ck out of there.

Mr. Brightside is the millennial bar patron’s Piano Man. Piano Man is also the millennial bar patron’s Piano Man but let me just have this, okay?

As 30-something and single, I understand now why the teacher that corrected you with a “it’s Ms. not Mrs.” was also the teacher liable to snap when you went one rotation too many on the manual pencil sharpener.

I picked one hell of a time to get sober.

People obsessed with their college football team and toddlers are basically the same. They get wildly excited about something that happened on the TV and when they try and explain it to me, I have no idea what they’re talking about so I just nod my head and say “Oh, nice!”

If you see a couple arguing at a wedding, it is almost guaranteed you’ll be at their destination wedding the following year.

My take away from everyone’s 2024 dumps is I know way more people than I thought who are conveniently around professional photographers at all times. And the National Parks System is still the GOAT.

black mirror stop becoming historical non-fiction challenge level impossible

I’m not sure when the prerequisite for being a dental hygienist became “wellness girlie influencer” but I just added dental to my healthcare plan for the first time since 2015.

Seeing someone in the common pool of Hinge with the rest of us when you’ve only ever seen them in the standouts section is like seeing a celebrity walk up at a restaurant you’ve had reservations for for months. Like I don’t care how long it took, we’re all here for the burgers now.

Your 2024 photo dump but it’s just your daylist titles on Spotify.

Behind every fun photo of a group of people hanging out is an untold story of one or two of them blacking out and ruining the night about an hour and a half later. I would also like to add I have not been in a fun group photo since 2019.

Environmentalists Warn U.S. Running Out Of Small Wooded Areas Where Buddies Can Smoke Up

Environmentalists Warn U.S. Running Out Of Small Wooded Areas Where Buddies Can Smoke Up
theonion.com/environmenta...

there should be more christmas songs about vengeance

As we get closer to the new year, blipping out of existence and coming back 5 years later and trying to pick up where you left off doesn’t seem that impossible anymore.

What’d you do for your 36th birthday? Mine’s Saturday and I’m goin for a 9 mile hike and a cold plunge or as it was previously known, “getting in a river.”

a man in a blue and white checkered sweater drinks from a glass ALT: a man in a blue and white checkered sweater drinks from a glass

Blue Sky -> Blue -> Bluth -> Buster Bluth -> Busters

Even the Eye of Sauron has a bae this Christmas

Hearing Christmas music while boarding hits a different level of triggering for Gen X and Millennials because we know damn well Kevin is not on this plane.

The White House is about to become the equivalent of that one mic in town that harbors every shit bag from the local comedy scene. And much like that mic, there’s nothing funny happening.

2-Hour Meeting Spent Thinking Up Hashtag Absolutely Nobody On Planet Earth Will Ever Use -The Onion

2-Hour Meeting Spent Thinking Up Hashtag Absolutely Nobody On Planet Earth Will Ever Use
theonion.com/2-hour-meeti...

What do we call these posts? Skies? Blueys? Blowies?! Skybs?! “I just re-skybed @neildegrassetyson.com.”

Open to any and all suggestions right or wrong.

They said the perfect mug didn’t exist…

If you tell people you “rescued your cat”, no you didn’t. You were conned by a grade-A grifter.

Ah. Another place to scream into the void without any recognition or acknowledgment. Hello darkness my old friend. I welcome you with open arms.