Midge

Flex on your husband by sending him to the store to buy cream of tartar, without any explanation, and then turn your phone off

Flex on your husband by sending him to the store to buy cream of tartar, without any explanation, and then turn your phone off

Two handsome men are pictured as the perpetrators of the Louvre robbery

They’re repped by the Luigi Mangione criminal modeling agency

I don’t understand why people hire plumbers for small repairs; it’s only taken me $40, 3 trips to Home Depot, the unnecessary replacement of one perfectly fine part, and I’m 85% sure I’ll have this figured out by next week

I keep accidentally buying ice cream that my kids don’t like and then having to eat it myself because no one else will, over and over again

When I was thinking about getting bangs, I wish someone would have warned me that I could wake up and look like Joe Dirt

The Grinch in The Scream by Edvard Munch.

iconic art with a holiday twist: thread

The Eye of Sauron in Still life with Oranges by Paul Gauguin.

the fellowship of the arts: thread

reply with a selfie/pet pic and i’ll surprise you with an edit.

if you’d like to commission something more specific send me a DM and let’s talk about it.

xo. tips are very appreciated but not required: linktr.ee/riotgrlerin

This year, give everyone those Easter eggs you just found while doing a deep clean of your house.

a text to D saying "do you want to come to the urology holiday party"

party themes are getting too niche these days

You know, it's been one week since I've played The Barenaked Ladies...

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Snoop around in their medicine cabinet for clues.

Sure, sex is great. At least that’s what your mom always tells me.

White people be like if I were keys where would I be

“You are a strong, beautiful woman” was apparently not quite what my wife expected to hear me say, particularly as I was wearing her favourite lingerie and talking to a full-length mirror at the time.

I have to say, the IKEA security guards seemed kinda surprised too.

thinking of the time i told an ex her laugh made me wish i wasn't funny

There are many qualities I look for in the people I allow into my life but the most important of all is low expectations.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

I will finish your dead grandma's quilt

- me flirting

i hope someday i win the fifa peace prize. maybe even the pizza hut medal of honor. or hell, why not, a costco oscar

If you‘re ever feeling down, just remember there are thousands of people out there who’ve tattooed Trump’s name onto their bodies.

Trump wanted to issue a commemorative stamp with his face but a market study showed 65% of Americans would spit on the front side while the other 35% would lick his back side

behead me like one of your french aristocrats

A kitten on a chair holds another kitten by one leg as they dangle from the chair.

"Say it!"
"No!"
"Say it, Hans."
"My name's not Hans!"
"I WILL drop you."
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
"Die Hard is a Christmas movie!"

The only time I experience racism is ordering Indian food when they say "how spicy, 1-5" and I say "5" and they say "five?"

kinda crazy how it’s acceptable to eat your twin as long as it’s in utero

"Gonna call this one a sperm whale" some pervert, probably.

A scintilla and an iota walk into a bar but they leave because they hate small talk.

[Galilee AD17, around dinner time]

Mary: you are not going out until your room’s tidy

Jesus: aw mom, dad said I can be messy

Joseph: nice try son, I said you may well be the Messiah but you can still clean your room

Jesus: I hate you, you’re not even my real dad!