Jakey Emmert

The man who fixed my car last week looked like someone familiar, couldn't figure it out. REALIZED HE LOOKS LIKE ROMAN REIGNS. So if you see me drive into a wall this week, just ignore it

I have sadly learned to round up at least an hour

The Plymouth Avenue bridge closure is a serious affront to my entire life

Will any other Senators follow Van Hollen's lead?

Wearing a Katya shirt at the Drag Race finale bc I am geriatric and love the classics

Ooh I start kickball tomorrow so I went to Play it Again Sports for the first time since Halloween 2012. I AM A MASCULINE ALPHA JOCK

One of my worst traits is taking forever to get ready but then once I am ready, EVERYONE WHO WAS RUSHING ME BETTER FUCKING BE READY

I "ran" a 5K today and felt successful and happy and the world can give you flowers and then you go on Instagram and they say "suggested for you" and it's a former close friend who completely cut you off and didn't even look at you last time you were in the same room together

I am "running" a 5K this morning and I think my jock is backwards and I already have to pee

Aries season makes me want to actually work on GOAL SETTING or is it just hypomania? Ugh. I am doing a 5K next week when I'm at like 90% body fat. Prayers for Jacob.

Thought I was having a Mary Richards moment at the downtown Lund's and then realized my shirt kept popping open

I can't believe I got called into work today on this national holiday which is Mariah Carey's anniversary

I met Carolyn from traitors and she is 110% the person you saw on TV every week

WELCOME ARIES SEASON! ACTION IS THE ANTIDOTE TO DESPAIR! GET MORE DONE IN A WEEK THAN MOST DO IN A YEAR! FASTER! LOUDER! THANK YOU, NEXT! IT’S ECLIPSE SEASON! EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND WORTH SAVING! ARMS EMBARGO NOW! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE! LIFE IS SHORT! BOYCOTT WITH YOUR BESTIES!

I am almost 40 and my mother controls every facet of my life but when I brought this up on Thursday she compared me to her 3-year-old nephew! Will Jakey smile through gritted teeth and get his totaled car replaced after a month of passive-aggressive Olympics on both sides? Tune in!!!

I've spent the last 12 hours coughing and I STILL don't have a six pack, this is rude

Exclusive | Draft of Trump Executive Order Aims to Eliminate Education Department Secretary Linda McMahon would be directed to “take all necessary steps to facilitate the closure” based on “the maximum extent appropriate and permitted by law.”

“Fully unwinding the department would require a filibuster-proof, 60-vote majority in the Senate, legal experts have said…The draft order doesn’t mention Congress.”

www.wsj.com/politics/pol...

The stress NEVER ends, I feel way too far away from where I thought I would be at this point

Fuck Marco Rubio. He’s sitting on a couch like a beta cuck.

when your parents are being embarrassing in public and you have no option but to disassociate

This scrum of pot-bellied, sunken-chested betas trying to bully an all-black clad badass Eastern European wasteland survivor while dressed like Men’s Wearhouse mannequins is peak cinema.

Aww hello friend

My job kicked my butt today too ... sweating like a whore in church

I am so stressed out! I need an Ativan and the warm embrace of a man with large pectoral muscles. OR A KITTYCAT!

Cutie patootie

Officially signed up for gay kickball even though I have the athletic skills of a Victorian child

I have the same accent as Carolyn and this is spot on

I replaced my debit card for the 800th time which means I will find the original in the next five minutes

WELCOME PISCES SEASON! DREAMSCAPES! FLOW STATES! DERAILING EVERY CONVERSATION AS A LOVE LANGUAGE! TMI AS AN EXTREME SPORT! WHAT IS TIME! TFW EVERYTHING! GHOSTING IF THE VIBES ARE OFF! LIFE IS SHORT AND RIDICULOUS! ECLIPSES ARE NIGH! COUP THE COUP! CALL YOUR REPS! BOYCOTTS! GENERAL STRIKES! HAVE FUN!

Another Friday night, another evening in which I have an existential crisis regarding my sexual attraction to Sam Star on RuPaul's Drag Race

Did my January photo dump and good grief, you can tell I was eating and drinking like a pirate and my hair stylist is dead