everything went dumb

how a person decides to masticate their homonculus-shaped chipotle burrito is a personal conv3rsation between themselves and their god

new marketing idea: skittles flavored tylenol. taste the spectrum.

realized that reinflating a whoopee cushion is just going ass to mouth on a technicality

it should be legal to jack it in public but only on the sidewalk in front of the american football house and only if you're crying the whole time and constantly repeating "i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm rly rly sorry"

[italian dad explaining how to wipe ass to his kid] now imagine u got all dat sauce left in da bowl and u gotta scoop it all up wit da focaccia,

max keeble's big dick

if u are in a band and u put ur Cool Art on the back of ur t-shirts u should go to jail. u should go to DOUBLE jail if it's a pullover hoodie.

ITH'S ME! THE LAWBRINGER!

awe you got me catchin feels with my feel catchin net over here ❤️

[on a first date at idk chipotle] oh u like disney?? okay well if ur a REAL fan then go ahead and name all 101 dalmations *sips suicide soda i made at the coke freestyle machine smugly* go ahead i'll wait

*piles the fam into the rav4 on a friday nite for our weekly outing to debase staff @ cold stone creamery* okay kiddos what tip song do u wanna request this week??? no mayson u got to pick last time it's braylen's turn. MAYSON if u don't stop whining ur only getting 30 minutes on ipad when we get ho

[talking to first date about food u like] yea u could say i got a pretty adventurous palate haha just the other day the chipotle man put something called car-knee-toes into my white rice + cheese burrito instead of chicken and i didn't even make a barfy baby no likey face.....

too bad toni's ipad is broken. she could have gotten on uber and helped mark get a ride to hoapital.

thinking a lot today about how bam margera has always been the linkara to johnny knoxville's doug walker

imo if the twitter man wants to fix anerica then every other friday he should deploy the Manager Special and offer all of us one slice of room temp Breakroom pizza w/only the toppings we make barfy gagging baby no like faces at on it

[tim rogers voice] to state it simply, if one is to truly play *all* of balatro one must first play all of......... *themselves*

balatro should have a braid twist Indie Game ending where it turns out u were the joker all along (also u got depression)

some rich guy: i realize now that unfortunately i am afdicted...addicted.... to having Sex
[me] okay but have u ever tried being Cold, but willingly

walking home @ 2 in the morning in the "dead of winter" in a shawl and cable knit cardie instead of paying $40 for a ride share b/c it makes me feel "authentic" when all i rly wanna do is soak in a heated pool that "drains the resources" of a "gated community"

imagine a future where if u "lie irl" to "get cred" and/or "get laid" a amber alert klaxon go3s off and instead u are "attacked by a merciless pack of heckin rabid feral doggos"

[spongebob getting upset at someone pretending to be him on the computer] your real name as has been told to me by sandy is just SPONGE PANTS. NO BOB. NO SQUARE. JUST SPONGE. SO ADMIT THAT!

i've never heard a white person not sound like peggy hill while attempting to pronounce birria the right way lol

team cherry is the streetlight manifesto of video games

lmao at 9:30 this morning alex jones was screaming on twitter about mr. onion buying his grifter show for $5. meanwhile i was debating about whether i should keep vaping in my cozy bed or get up and drop a deuce.

I'm kinda looking at it as a live beta for a proper classic revamp where they're content to throw a bunch of random stuff at the wall and let the community suss out what works and what feels out of place or whatever.

i woke up this morning to some groupchat drama about markiplier being added and whether or not the guy who added him actually knew markiplier irl and then markiplier was like "no it's true" and then we found out that markiplier likes streetlight manifesto. it was a real whirlwind.

if you're in a band and you print your merch on gildan tshirts i should be able to sue you.

new idea to fund the government:
let senators and reps suck and fuck freely on the floor. turn cspan into an onlyfans-type paywall channel. most tips gets to go private with their favorite elected official for 15 minutes.

Today marks the first 9/11 without Steve from Smash Mouth. He spent so many years reminding us to never forget. I think we owe it to him as a nation to come together and let him know we'll always remember.

croc was gex for homeschool kids