Bring Snacks

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not

If a ham can spiral, so can I.

Did DJT give Bill Clinton a blow job?!

When I was in high school I sat next to a guy in art class who was always stoned. His nickname was Fig Log. Why? Because one time he got so high he ate two entire 10 oz packages of fig newtons in one sitting and then barfed up a fig log.

Does anyone know what to do? Like, in general?

Another hotel story.

Boss went balls out with Christmas. One year he wanted employee photos with us each sitting on his lap with an elf hat and ears on to display in the lobby. When it was my turn, upon closer look, I saw his fake beard was full of brown crust.

Hotel story time

I don’t mean to bash on my old boss. He was quite a gem, actually. But I’ll never forget the time he used his hand to scrape out dried curdled coffee creamer out of the automatic door tract and then moments later used the same hand to put M&Ms into the front desk candy bowl.

I don’t know how y’all with kids do it. My cats push me to the brink every single day.

Wind chimes, but it’s hot dogs. The soothing sound of wind meat.

Hotel story time -

At some point during the night someone took the fake flowers out of the vase at the front desk and stabbed them into the ceiling tiles in the lobby. It wasn’t caught on camera. Night Auditor was too short to pull off such a heist even with a ladder. It’s a mystery to this day.

The fact that walls get dusty is absurd. Like, you’re vertical… act like it.

My hidden talent is that I can watch about 2 minutes of a movie or tv show and know it was filmed in Canada. Especially if it’s British Columbia. I don’t even have to see an outdoors scene to identify the surrounding area or foliage. I just know. And I’m correct every single time 💅

Hotel story time:

The vending machine in the guest laundry room jammed. Maintenance found a rolled up blowout diaper stuffed inside, with fallen Snickers bars touching the dried shit. My boss Lysol wiped them and put the candy back inside for purchase.

Hotel story:

One time during breakfast a guest knocked over a cup of orange juice onto the floor, looked around, looked me dead in the eyes, and then walked off. Later when she came to the desk to check out, she acted like nothing happened.

A haiku about my day so far.

Coffee burnt my lip
My 401k is fucked
Stepped in hot cat barf

Hotel story:
Couple went shopping at the mall and left their high end purchases (Coach, Gucci, Lululemon, etc) in the back seat of their car. Car was broken into, unsurprisingly. I didn’t have an ounce of empathy. You’re a special kind of stupid if you leave expensive shit in your car like that.

Hotel story time:
I was taking a reservation over the phone by a woman who was coming to the city to compete in a singing competition. At the end of the call she asked if I wanted to hear her sing, to which I was like “yes please!”

I expected Mariah Carey.

She was an Xhosan Throat Singer.

I worked at a grocery store in the produce department with a few friends. In the summer when we were hot and overworked, we’d go into the walk in freezer to scream. I also watched a man back up to the spinach display, fart on it, and walk away. The men’s employee bathroom also had a “booger wall”.

I worked at a corp office in the ops dept. An employee, Audrey, despised me. I always tried to be helpful and kind to her, so I wasn’t sure why she had such hatred toward me.

Turns out it’s because I spelled the word “envelope” wrong once. I spelled it as “envilope”.

Totally understandable.

Hotel story time:
Someone stole the large questionably shaped decorative vegetable bottle from the reception area. My boss was devastated. It was his pride and joy. A focal point of the lobby decor. A relic.

A few days later housekeeping found it in the room of a corporate guest.

Hotel story:
Angry guest called about annoying beeping noise in her room. I went to investigate and didn’t hear it. She called down several more times, irate, demanding we fix the beeping noise in her room. Turns out it was her travel alarm clock periodically beeping due to low battery. Dumb bitch.

Hotel story time:

The breakfast attendant discovered a sloppily drawn (with a sharpie) dick and balls on one of the lobby chairs, complete with wrinkles, hair and shaft veins. It was absolutely beautiful.

Another hotel story:
Elderly but well put together coworker (Botox, fillers, fake lashes, etc) always flirted with hot male guests. One day she disappeared for an hour and came back with her lipstick smeared on her forehead and cheek. I didn’t let her know and she worked like that for hours.

Hotel story:
Wasn’t uncommon to get prank calls. One day a kid called and asked to speak to Harry S. Crotum. Instead of hanging up I said, “sure thing, let me transfer you!” and handed the phone to the sales manager, who played along. They had a great 5 min conversation about the lodging industry.

Hotel story time.

One time someone (with an obvious sinus infection) blew snot and boogers all over the wall in the elevator and molded it into the shape of a penis. It was fucking disgusting but also impressive.

Another hotel story:
Housekeeping found a small butt plug with the silhouette of Mickey Mouse on the end. It was placed into a baggie and added to lost and found. It disappeared a few days later. Boss is an obsessed Disney Adult.

Hotel story:
One time my boss had bronchitis. He still came to work. He sounded like a dying wildebeest. During a coughing fit he hacked up full sized green bean. He said, “I haven’t eaten green beans since last week”. Sir where the fuck in your throat did you hide that green bean for a whole week?

Hotel story:
I was taking a dump in the employee bathroom (single stall) when the power went out. It was pitch black and I couldn’t see a single thing. It’s the most peace I felt at that fucking hotel in years.

Side note about Sylvia - she was an award winning Cellist, and played for Ronald Regan at the Whitehouse in 1986. She said he smelled like moth balls and oregano.

When I worked at the porn store, I worked with a wonderful trans woman named Sylvia. She looked just like Mr. Garrison from South Park. She always brought in delicious home made banana bread and updated us on what color butt plug she was wearing every day. Usually coordinated with her shoes/purse.