FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF

ME: What’s that other bread you eat sometimes Sharon?

WIFE: Spelt?

ME: B R E A D

HER: Get out!

Wow I could not have picked a worse time to finally watch The Matrix

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Too many potato chips are not good for you.

Pringles doesn't care.

[Arby's drive-thru]

(muffled voice from deep inside Trojan horse): ask for extra horsey sauce

Baby steps

Releasing my pheromones like venom

it’s probably super cool and good that my iv bruise looks like a mushroom cloud right?

apples? YUCK

(this is how you know I’m not a secret horse)

👊🏼😜

he's a 10 but he thinks flattery is what you serve food on

‪Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence. That’s how Shakira’s hips beat those perjury charges. ‬

her: “draw me like one of your french girls”

me: “im a better drawer than they are, are you sure?”

'Play on playa'

- The inventor of beach volleyball

[getting dumped]

ME: I reject your feelings

HIM: don’t you mean “respect?”

ME: *shopping for wedding dresses* lol no

Look kid, occasionally I’m going to drop an obscure boomer reference and it’s up to you to dust off your Encyclopædia Britannica and figure it out

It's all fun and games till the authorities* show up

*my cats when I'm making a tuna sandwich

a man with a mustache wearing a ucla shirt ALT: a man with a mustache wearing a ucla shirt

👊🏼

I'm not part of any inner circles. I'm floating around in space bouncing off the edges occasionally getting stuck on the surface for a bit.

thinking about cosplaying as a bear gives me pause. folks,,

[bursts into liquor store]
oh no I’m remembering things, please help

It's unfortunately ironic that honey doesn't give you a buzz.

Here I am, pop and lock me like a hurricane.

Don't post for likes. Don't post for engagement. Post to pay your tithe to the ancient gods of content, their insatiable hunger constantly being refilled by the infinite word glitch known as the Internet.

Church cigarettes, holy smokes

me: so, we meet again, my arch nemesis, bane of my existence, thorn in my side, tormentor of my soul, burden on my heart, scourge of my life, villainous destructor of my waking hours

eyelash that's decided to roam free around my eyeball:

I was kind of young to remember the dark ages (pre happy meal era)

Me: All the King's horses?

Whenever my son tells me we need to hang out more, I know he's guilting me into helping him bury another body.