Samael

I'm currently taking 2d8 psychic damage q12h

RARE LEAKED PHOTO FROM INSIDE CASTLE RAVENLOFT

Me: I'm not going to make unhinged, hyperbolic political statements on social media. Those are inside thoughts and I just want escapism on the internet.

Also me: If you voted for Jill Stein you're a Nazi.

We are holding children working for minimum wage to a higher standard of "decorum" than members of the United States House of Representatives.

Bread & Work but this time it's Eggs & Work

If you wanted to decrease the cost of homes, one thing you wouldn’t do is put a flat tariff on your main source of timber.

Mosquitos suck the blood right out of my body
Why don't they finish the job

Molly reacts to Trump’s cabinet picks.

If you stopped at a deserted rest area to use the restroom and found it filled with turtles who all silently, balefully, turned their heads to look at you, how many turtles would it take to scare you off? That number is your Uncanny Rest-Area Restroom Turtle Number.

Tell that to @neildegrassetyson.com

"Criticism"

When we can avoid political discourse at the family gathering I prefer to spice it up by coming out of the bathroom and insulting the host's choice of which way to face the toilet paper

Pictured: Donald Trump's newly appointed Surgeon General, Dr. Pimple Popper

Are you ready for the McCarthian Red Scare that's sure to accompany your Thanksgiving?

They'll be asking if you saw something over on Ye Olde Twitter.

Fuck it, I say, as I dump the entire bag of pizza rolls on the baking sheet

Gen Z is amazing. I asked a (paid) intern to bring me 50 blank pieces of copier paper and when she brought them in they were warm. Turns out that, rather than count them, she set the copier to 50 and printed blank sheets. Genius.

Image of antagonist Strahd Von Zarovich from the Dungeons and Dragons module Curse of Strahd accompanied by a tumblr post that reads "He has that sadness in his eyes that you only see in Eastern European gay porn"

Strahd V(o)n In(c)elovich

Curse of Strahd? More like Curse of Short King.

A quote from my DM: "I'm sorry, I thought I was playing D&D not Desperate Housewives!"

That means we're winning at Dungeons and Dragons, right?

It's like going to Disney or Coachella, probably.

I don't believe in brand loyalty but something very American happens in me the second I see this stupid beaver

Trying to figure out what sports subscription I need to watch the games I want is psychological torture.

I don't have pronouns. I mean that in the gay way, not the Republican way.

"bluesky" would be a beautiful name for a cia operation in the cold war that destabilized a region and accidentally caused a resurgence of the bubonic plague