Quantized Cat

"We are a part which has to imitate the whole." - Simone Weil

"They're lining up the prisoners
and the guards are taking aim.
I've struggled with some demons,
they were middle-class and tame.
I didn't know I had permission
to murder and to maim.

You want it darker..."

"You think I care about this shit?
Ask me if I care about this shit,
'cause I don't give a shit.
If I had a dollar for every time
they said I gave a shit I'd be broke,
'cause I don't give a shit."

"Who needs a heart
when a heart can be broken?"

Recently discussed the metaphysics of identification with respect to the furry subculture with my therapist.

My life is weird sometimes.

"Here lies my life.
It never felt that real to me..."

Meditating when you are having a depressive episode fucking sucks. Absolute hard-mode.

Letting thoughts arise and pass away without discrimination or attachment is easier when it isn't one sustained "I hate myself and want to die" on a constant loop.

"I think our time is up.
I know. Hold my hand.
Hold your hand?
Yes. I want you to.
All right. Why?
Because that’s what people do when they’re waiting for the end of something."

I recently have been getting ads for some random character.AI-esque erotic furry boyfriend app.

I don't need more AI shit in my life. Especially one that intentionally plays on my emotions.

...

...I'm lonely, yo.

"Where the drops hit

the paper, pale red spots appear
Some deep chemical mystery

All the parts I failed to cover" - Maggie Nelson

"That which is the direct opposite of evil never belongs to the order of higher good. It is often scarcely any higher than evil! Examples: theft and the bourgeois respect for property; adultery and the 'respectable woman'; the savings bank and waste; lying and 'sincerity'." - Simone Weil

To be clear: nobody ever "liked" talking to me. The reality is that I'm worthless as a human aside from my intelligence. It is more that I had some kind of utility I brought to the table when engaging with people.

Since I have nothing else to offer, why bother with me at all?

Given that I have a neigh photographic memory and have a lot of specialized knowledge people used to like to ask me questions.

My personal existential horror over the popularity of LLMs is less about professional obsolescence and more that people now have literally no reason to talk to me.

"The neons and the cigarettes,
rented rooms or rented cars,
the crowded streets, the empty bars,
chimney tops and trumpets,
the golden lights, the loving prayers,
the colored shoes, the empty trains,
I'm tired of crying on the stairs..."

Meditation, rain, and sheng puer tea.

To everyone who ever tried to gaslight me about the kind of person Donald Trump is:

I was exactly correct and you all owe me several fucking apologies. I hope you all struggle to sleep at night over the guilty conscience I wish you actually had.

Go fuck yourselves; your idol raped children.

My cat has clearly learned that when I sit down for meditation he can get away with all kinds of invasion of personal space without any resistance from me.

Smart little guy, he is.

The thought just occurred to me that my local furcon is happening in a few weeks.

So that's pretty exciting.

Too many books, not enough shelves...

I quit cannabis and started a Chinese tea habit. Traded one kind of trichomes for another, I guess.

Don't you think he looks tired?

"I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel..."

I began practicing Buddhism in earnest the summer before Trump was elected. I told myself after the election that this would, at least, be a good era in which to practice compassion and equanimity.

I admit that I am not up to the task. I continue to try, but man...

U.S. will no longer commemorate World AIDS Day for first time since 1988 - LGBTQ Nation The current administration has also drastically slashed anti-HIV funding.

It is so fucking difficult to not be filled with hate and anger at these motherfuckering monsters every single second of my waking life...

www.lgbtqnation.com/2025/11/u-s-...

RIP Tom Stoppard

When I was in undergrad a Chinese friend of mine described me as "certifiably Asian".

I am very, very white, so honestly, I've been chasing that high ever since.

Someone at a DSA mutual aid meeting: "Are you in the DSA? You look like you are in the DSA."

I love that I have the correct aura, apparently.

Honestly, this is kind of what I like to imagine downtime in the Pure Land to be.

Meditating over a cup of Phoenix oolong in the rain.

Basically paradise.