Is it just me or is cannibalism a lot of work
I just want to be rich enough to donate a bench to a zoo
are the m&m guys in the commercials supposed to be who the candy was based on or it's just a coincidence they look like that. obviously they're not actual m&ms or their shells would crack when they talk. are they the results of Moreau-style experiments by the mars candy co.? were they once like us..
normalize accidentally letting your apron strings dangle behind you into the toilet water
Fun fact..marriage counselors get divorced as well.
[in church]
thanks for joining us today, have a seat in a pew
*finger gun battle breaks out*
pew-pew
pew....pew-pew
HOLD YER FIRE!!!
huge chris gaines fan holding his koosh ball keychain up to a garth brooks CD so it looks like he's got bangs and gasping
slamming on the brakes and fishtailing into a sidewalk produce stand after being cut off in traffic by a 9 year old on an electric bike
I like the cut of your jib. It's a well designed sail. But your attitude is a problem.
I remember about 20 years ago, talking on the phone with my best friend for hours about nothing.... that sounds like a for real nightmare now.
Have the kind of sex where you have to buy a new house.
Looking for a genie to turn me into my wife's phone so I can be held all day while getting tummy rubs.
which bad bitch got served divorce papers this morning, went and did two back to back interviews, and got offered a job this afternoon?
THIS BAD BITCH 🙋🏻♀️💅
I miss 1993
If you look in the mirror and say "soy boy" 3 times, I'll appear and knock your fucking teeth out.
the heart is a lumpy lopsided fist of a muscle yet I have resisted the urge to hit you with it you're welcome
Nothing like a good cry to get the depression going
Most of your pet pictures are better looking than your selfies.
Subaru spelled backwards is ur a bus.
Do with that information what you will
imagine getting vanilla sky’d and no longer being able to open any apps
*lips directly on microphone*
A belt is technically a leather boa!
Doing art therapy (spray painting the toilet bowl with explosive diarrhea)
where is everybody who was kung fu fighting i think we need them rn
if dogs ran things we’d have
smell-o-vision by now
by a show of hands who has completely stopped giving hi-fives
i guess you could say i'm a gym rat but really i'd be just as happy chewing through resistance bands anywhere
i do not have the capacity to process any more horror if you need me i will be lying on the kitchen floor covering my naked body in cold cuts
Faith is very important to me. The problem is all the other guys at this strip club want her too.
hush little baby don't say a word
and never mind that rustling potato chip bag you heard
