Pro tip: If you are planning a crime don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for.

My holiday spirit is whiskey. 🥃 🎄

In today’s fast-paced world we just don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts.

Nothing worse than accidentally becoming an important person at your job.

Not sure what list I got added to but welcome new people. 🐻❤️

🎶 Hawk the herald angels sing

Glory tuah that new born thing 🎶

My acting reel is just clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

My girlfriend is so hot that folks passing us on the street know that I am funny.

Pro Tip: In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

i can’t work under these festive conditions.

I can't wait to see pictures of y'all's dry ass turkeys.

Pro tip: replace the wine at church with benadryl so that everyone can meet god

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

Pro tip: purposely overcook your holiday turkey so you don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

My girlfriend's family doesn’t know it yet but I’ve already written a 2 page prayer about Kenny Rogers and ladies with large posteriors for Thanksgiving.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have.

pet the damn dog. :)

In hell you have to attend third second cousin's 1st birthday parties daily.

Hitchhikers totally ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and folks who travel in them.

If I text u “🪗” it means u better act accordingly.

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Turned off the news and put on serial killer documentaries for my mental health.

To those most affected I am truly sorry for my countrymen.

I dig when the rain is misty and I get to feel like grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolute legend.