Shady 🌱

part of my work benefits package includes a handful of free therapy sessions,,,,,might have to get my grubby fingies on that,,,and an adhd diagnostic‼️‼️[/vent]

if you've read this whole thing, thank you. if any of this makes you think lesser of me, all i can say is i understand. if this is where we part ways, then i hope that we'll meet again when i've got a better me to meet you with.

to my discord friends, this is part of why i haven't been active lately. it's a mix of things, but this is probably the most persistent one. i don't exactly know if/when i'll come back, but know that i do miss you and our shenanigans 💖

maybe it'll be best going forward if i start laying out timeboxes for designated Writing/Art Objectives(tm) so it's easier to manage and balance than stopping and starting projects on a whim

the best thing i think i can do atm aside from getting proper professional help is to just...keep going? and apologize to everyone if i ever came/come across as ungrateful or selfish.

fortunately, i DO care a lot about my own work, so i'm at least able to power through that sticking point at least a little better than the others 😂

there's also a time factor with fandom too. no one can guarantee how long they'll be interested in something, and sometimes it feels like by the time i finish my larger projects, no one but me will care anymore.

i've also never really made anything or interacted with fandom to the extent that i do now. the dopamine of fandom interaction is real, but damn does it have some nasty withdrawal...

i think it's really an online/fandom thing. i don't feel like this with my irl friends and colleagues. part of it is bc i see them face to face, talk with them on the regular, and they don't run in fandom circles that much like i do.

which feeling came first? eh, chicken or egg, they're more or less the same thing. i've developed an unhealthy standard by which i want to be acknowledged and so that leads me to project that standard onto how i think others see me.

...that i'm only interested in some people's work/characters/etc over others. and so that paralysis just makes me end up doing nothing at all.

another fold to that is that if i have an idea of something i want to do for someone, i'm afraid that someone else will look from the sidelines and feel the same way about me that i feel about other people at my worst/most paranoid...

i might eventually get around to it, but by that point, will it have been long enough for it to feel like an obligatory repayment lazily done?

so even if somebody takes the time to draw/write something for me (which many people have, and i'm infinitely grateful for!), i hardly have any way of repaying the favor. and so (at least from my limited pov), it makes it less enjoyable to keep talking to/doing things for me.

it'll take me at least another couple years to be able to make any gift in a timely manner in addition to my own works that's actually neat and presentable. good or fast - i can't do both for anything other than negligible doodles.

part of it is that i hardly have the skill or energy to do anything for anyone in addition to the work that i want to do for myself. i'm a slow artist with moderate experience and a slow writer, while some of my friends have been doing this so long that it's almost natural for them

the long and short of it is that i constantly feel like i have to curry the favor of people that i find cool, to little/no avail, and i constantly feel this gnawing doubt that i'm just doing it to be noticed. i'm afraid that i'm turning into the kinda person that i would write a private rant about 😂

this is not a reaction to anything or anyone in particular, it's just been a long term thing that i've had to try and grapple with, and i still don't really know how to properly work through it. this isn't a cry for help or sympathy, i just kinda need to put it broadly out there

[ #vent warning]

i don't ever put vents up on my socials but something's just been progressively eating at me in waves for a long while and it's goin through a phase again...

Poorly edited Qi emoticon. He’s suffering from success 😂

i first had this idea about two years ago now and it sat in my wips while i worked on other stuff and figured out how to write horror 😂 really excited to make it real!

Spirals in the Sand - a Sandrock adaptation of Junji Ito's classic Uzumaki!

New fic for spooky day!! Not done yet but I've got a sizable chunk of it in for da holidayyy

[Read on AO3!](archiveofourown.org/works/730954...) PLEASE BE MINDFUL OF TAGS AND WARNINGS!

#mytimeatsandrock #mtas #shadysfics

BECAAAAAAAAA THANK YOUUUU <3

THANK YOU KRISTIII <3

thank you mer!!! 💖

hehe dove is always such a mood and a look in whatever scene or scenario you put her in 💅absolute queen...love the monochrome!!

AND I SCREAM THANK YOU HERE TOO!!! 💖💖

WAHHH TYEEEEEEEE THAMK YOUUUU 🥺💖

THAMK U PEBBLESSSSSS 🥺🥺💖

thank u thank u fievel!!!! 💖