Paul Sharp

You can have our stadium as well, if you want.

It's an entire way of life.

Is it "Gav"?

One day when I was about five my mum drove to the station to pick up my dad. I was sitting in the back seat when this guy ran towards the car shouting "IT'S DADDY! DADDY'S HERE." It was only when he got in and sat next to my mum that he realised he was in the wrong car.

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Does this mean we're meeting under the clock at Waterloo station?

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I think he who just not be named should not be named because she who must not be named doesn't like him.

I love a good slosher film. Most of the time Oliver Reed is in the lead role.

I love Abba and have done for decades, but good grief, Agnetha and Anna can't dance.

a close up of a woman singing into a microphone in a dark room . ALT: a close up of a woman singing into a microphone in a dark room .

"I'm in the phone booth, it's the one across the hall"

There was a young man named Gav
Who turned everyone into pie

The end.

It was said on the sly
But he ended up pie
And the remains were put in a trough

There was a young man named Duff
Who made a remark off the cuff

Are you saying I'm going to get Dennis up the duff?

See ya later, Aligot-er.

What's wrong with stringy cheese?

My cousin Louise is married to a guy called Piers. Sometimes we'd be watching the news and the headline would be "Peers to decide on stem cell research guidelines" and he's say, "again? Can't they see I'm busy?"

In my experience if a government says something will be simple and will solve a lot of problems, it won't be simple and it won't solve any problems.

#IDCards

I'm looking radiant too, but then I'm a radiant kind of guy.

Well, we knew you were here so we decided to get the party going. May I say you're looking radiant today.

Anyway, on the subject of pubs, now London is under Shariah law, I'll be popping out to my local pub, the Shariah Arms for a pint of Sharia and a packet of cheese and Shariah crisps.

There's a bit in one of the Game of Thrones novels where a city is coquered and the population enslaved and Martin writes, "behind them the smiths were taken away in cages." I thought, that's a bit harsh.

And I've lost count of the number of fantasy novels where someone kills the village people

a woman in a sweater is giving a thank god sign . ALT: a woman in a sweater is giving a thank god sign .

They don't write 'em like that anymore.

"Hello mudder, hello Fadduh
Here I am at camp Granada"

That's one for the kids out there.

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These people are mad. They'll be telling us alcohol is bad for you next.

Oh my god! Isn't that dangerous? You'll be saying you take paracetamol next.

Don't get too close. It might be catching.

That's easy for you to say.

I can’t even see any pubs. Have you decided to go on holiday to the fourteenth century?

"Britain is full"