Shade 5

selling my cemetery plot, i'm just not getting as much use out of it these days as i expected

if you saw what i did there, no you didn't

*seductively recedes into the nothingness

Women love it when you compliment their mind. For example, “hey baby! I bet that pre frontal cortex looks banging in jeans!”

Not everybody was kung fu fighting. I saw a little thumb wrestling, too.

im going to need to listen
to some music about this

*deletes YOUR post

your crush wants you to drink water

I think what we really need around here is another wave of murder clowns

the biggest “wait what” I’ve ever exclaimed

he died doing what he loved… teaching bears to high five

take some vitamin D you sun deficient piece of shit

wind howling instant
flashy momentary mist
dewey blue glimmer

#DailyHaikuPrompt
#micropoetry
#haiku

Has anyone called Bovino a Nazi leprechaun yet?

a woman in a black sequined jumpsuit is walking through a foggy forest . ALT: a woman in a black sequined jumpsuit is walking through a foggy forest .

I really wish SCTV was streaming 😔

So it now appears the safest place to be is in the epstein files and at a screening of melania

People don’t show up with boomboxes like they used to.

I know that secret third thing and Im not sharing it.

Think it’s time to buy that private island for just me & my cats. Maybe a couple of you guys.

Nobody is as good as me at ignoring a phone when it rings.

We should have a minor inconvenience rewards card.

Telling me who’s gonna be there isn’t gonna make me wanna go more…

carbs are like that naughty friend who calls after you’ve gotten your life together

You: [checks driveway]
You: [locks doors]
You: [checks house to make sure you're alone]
You: [opens a bottle of wine]
Me: [rolls out from under couch] WHAT WE CLASSY MUTHAFUCKAS CELEBRATIN’

Head and shoulders of my tuxedo big baby cat, Dudley lying in a stretchy way, looking very relaxed and without a single fuck to give

Idk man, blissful ignorance seems kinda cool

A book on a rack whose title is How to Date Buildings: An Easy Reference Guide.

whatever you do don’t ask their age

I hate fighting my kids for the leftover pizza. I mean I always win, but it’s not a great look for a dad and last time it nearly got me barred from the local Pizza Hut.

I have a feeling that just because the calendar says February has fewer days that it's not going to feel like it does.

luigi mangione: *brings a pizza cutter to a knife fight*

the other prisoners: what

Gonna ask my neighbor if I can borrow his compass to scratch ritualistic marks on the oak lintel of my hearth in a desperate attempt to ward off all manner of evil and also maybe his snowblower