josias2510

And... I'm happy. Almost proud of myself.
I guess I could (and probably should) be doing better, but... idk.

Right now, I feel like if I miss a step I'll lose so much progress.
And worrying about going slower than everyone else might make me do just that.

So, for now...
...one step at a time.

it's like doubt knocks on my door everyday and oh boy everytime I feel like answering

but I don't

I guess the conscious choice of getting out of bed and try to be a part of this world is keeping me busy enough to not question it

I'm just doing stuff, and that's already a lot more than before...

part of me wonders how many "one step at a time"s I have left to cash in before everything stops making sense again and everything feels worthless... again

like, I've been doing good
really good
some people might think otherwise but I remember a time when I was even worse

I'm good
I'm fine

yay

I also realized that I should probably set my priorities straight a bit more with this kinda stuff

which sadly means to be a bit less of the jack of all trades master of none I wanna become one day

at least for now, I guess

I just wanna get shit done, yk
and chasing every car I see is uh... yeahh

they also told me something else and okay wOW where did that come from bruh what's happening to me what is my life now lmfao

i keep hearing voices inside my head

they tell me i'll never be good enough

and to eat my veggies :c

Is there gonna be bad days?
Oh you could bet your life savings on that.

Should we dwell on that?
...at least we can try not to, I guess.

I think I'm in this point in life where I'm mentally healthy enough to, weirdly enough, wonder if it's fine to be fine.

Until I know, I'll try to keep up.

Like "oh no this happened and you should overthink on it to the point of depression so you have a good enough reason to keep pushing away the things you could be doing" aaaand I catch that thought and feel fucking stupid cuz I should probably just keep going because it's the only thing we can do.

I think I'm at this point where I'm actively looking for excuses to not be motivated enough to do stuff because I'm running out of legitimate reasons to not be motivated enough to do stuff.

Sounds weird? Yes.
Can I do something about it? Absolutely.
What is that? Tell my brain to stfu

Realized today that exploring anything new is a mix of excitement, fear and solving problems you never knew you had.

What a day.

Mhm.

:3

you ever listen to a really cool thing and be like "I wanna sample that for my own shit" lol

sigh

At least in this particular moment in time... I think I'll be fine.
At least for now, I'll be fine.

Just need to breath in... and focus on the goal.
Again and again. As many times as it takes.
To find my way home.

Laugh hard, run fast, be kind.

I hope you find your way home.

we love bisexual paradise game yes

fuck, since when my twitch stream thingy has been broken?
i just noticed, shit

i am canon bitches

"Sometimes you just have to let shit go with the flow.

And that flow can be a pain. 'Tis how it is."

*sigh*

Idk, even if it's "good" that I'm starting to care less about this, I kinda hate I am.

Cuz I know it won't stop until I just... end the damn thing.
And I really hate that I can't do it.

Because I care too much.
And sometimes I wish I didn't.

One day I'll properly look out for myself, ig.

3 am thought

I hate that I've been catching myself wanting to hate something, then realizing that doing so would make me an asshole.

But damn sometimes it feels so valid, dude.
And maybe it is.

Sometimes I really wanna go there and be a passive agressive bitch because fuck it.

But nope. I can't.

YouTube video by Chris Christodoulou Maria Papageorgiou & Chris Christodoulou - Coalescence Returns.. | ROR Returns (2023)

This song not only means a lot to me now, after all this time it has aged alongside me.
It's also something so beautiful that... I almost have no words.

I'm glad to be someone who was along for the ride enough to know what it means.

A goodbye.
And a thank you.

Love ya, Chris.
youtu.be/cB8bcjA0O-w

The cover art of the soundtrack for Risk of Rain Returns, composed by Chris Christodoulou. It features one of the playable characters, Commando, facing and pointing a gun towards 4 creatures of the game. Three lizard-like creatures (Lemurians) and a floating mask surrounded by fire (Wisp).

DAY 30: "Coalescence Returns.." from Risk of Rain Returns.

I remember the first time I listened to this track in-game.

Going back to where it all began felt weird at first, yet somehow always welcoming.
Cuz well, that distinctive sound was always there.

Still chanting.

"Aged"

Even 'til the end.

Because sometimes we have to trust that the aftermath will be pleasant. That everything will be worth it.
That everything will be alright.

But, well. It's only the greatest leap of faith.

And even if I don't want to accept it... some ends are really beautiful to witness.

And to listen to.

Of course, there's things that you don't want to end.
Specially what you care about the most.

It truly feels like life was one way when I started this...
...and now it's another.
Because everything has an end.

And even if I really don't want it... some things should end.

Like most videogames.

Y'know?
In a way, I was kinda dreading this.

But I was also looking forward to it.
Because, well, massively public knowledge by now: I love music too much. I can't stop talking about it.

But everything has an end. Everything has to end.
Either on a good or a bad note.
For better or for worse.

YouTube video by Chris Christodoulou Chris Christodoulou - Ashes to Ashes, to Ashes (to Ashes) | DEADBOLT (2016) [w/ Christos Spirakis]

I... don't really understand the story of DEADBOLT that much. But I do understand the slow, heavy weight of finality this track conveys.

The end of the line for two characters.
The hesitation to finish it all.

But the end is here.
It's over.

And it has never sounded so nice.
youtu.be/HKmYRsnMsOk

The cover art of the soundtrack for DEADBOLT, composed by Chris Christodoulou. It features the main character of the game seen through a peekhole. With two bodies slumped in the corridor behind him.

DAY 29: "Ashes to Ashes, to Ashes (To Ashes)"
From DEADBOLT.

Close to the end.

And, like in most videogames, that's what a final boss is.
A close to the end climax. The beginning of the end.

Some make it epic, some make it hard or some don't have one at all.

But this one is truly unique.

YouTube video by ArcticK9 The Winding Ridge - Hyper Light Drifter OST

Including... this.

It doesn't really speak to me in a literal sense, but there's just this... raw, powerful feeling that washes over me every time I listen to it.

This feeling of finality. Of hopeful bliss.
A bliss beyond this world.

...that's Disasterpeace for ya.

youtu.be/AdvYWDpb0Xg