Widow’s garble

I've had a bunch of 'guilt greetings' over the festive season and my birthday. Lots of 'sorry I've not been in touch' and 'sorry I've been a bad friend'. No attempts to rectify the situation, they just feel better now they've said it. And I don't. #grief #alone #bereavement

My birthday today. I’m now the same age he was when he died. I was always younger than him. Now I’m not. Nothing makes sense. #grief #widowhood

Two and a half years ago today the light went out of my life. #grief #solstice #partnerloss #widowhood

We were a good team. He was the sunshine, I was the rain. Together we made rainbows; now everything is just grey. #grief #bereavement #partnerloss

It's such a cruel time of year for people who, for whatever reason, aren't part of it any more. Sending love and strength to you.

This is my third Christmas without him. I don't send cards any more or decorate the house. Some kindly people still send me greetings and the normalness of their messages are utterly crushing. How on earth do they think I'll have a "fabulous Christmas" or a "brilliant 2026"? #grief #partnerloss

It's one of those days when the silence is utterly deafening. #grief #partnerloss #bereavement

I find the darkness of #winter hard to deal with, especially as it's the lead up to #milestones: Tim's birthday, #Christmas, #NewYear and then the anniversary of his death. Here are a few things that I have found helpful:

https://www.thewidowshandbook.com/home/in-the-bleak-midwinter

#grief #widow

Just been reading about six-word stories. So far, my thoughts are:
His heart stopped and mine broke.
I don't matter to anyone now.
Without you I'm existing, not living.

It really is complicated! But those sound like helpful thoughts. I'm still trying to learn to sit with just being me, rather than me with a gaping hole next to me, which I feel everyone should be able to see but somehow they can't.

The random assaults are everywhere. Emails inviting me to look back at a year of "family fun", supermarket dine-in offers for two, competitions for holidays that I would have no one to go on with if I won... It's relentless. #grief #widowed #partnerloss

I hardly listen to music any more either, which is painful because it was such a big part of our lives together. Now I don't even think to put any on. I'll get a copy of that book. Thanks for recommending it. Sending hugs.

I've heard of that book but not read it yet. Will add it to the list. Like you I'm crawling through books these days. Keep forgetting who the characters are and having to start again...

'Acceptance is not agreement' - that's interesting. Never heard that before but it's good. I feel like I need to rail against what's happened because obviously it's not what I want. Hmm. Something to think about. Thank you! Hugs to you too.

Yes it's the everyday things as well as the big things. People talking about their holidays when the person you used to go with isn't here to travel with any more. Trying to do things around the house alone that you would have shared. It's pervasive in a way others just don't understand.

Exactly! Other people's perceptions are so alien now. My friend, who kindly came to the hospital when it happened, said on the first anniversary that at least no day would ever be as bad as the day he died. But every day is as bad, if not worse, because he's still not here!

Have had a bunch of those "How are you?" messages lately. Maybe it's the change of season. But what's the right way to respond? I say: "Thanks for thinking of me, I'm struggling on. Hope you're well." And then that's it. Interaction over. They feel pleased with themselves; I feel even more alone.

I feel exactly the same. I'm the only one carrying his memory on - but I'm doing a fine job of it! Think of him constantly still over two years on.

In our home, everything had a place. Now nothing has a place, especially me. #grief #widowed #uprooted

I have found that #grief really isn't linear - it's more like a pinball machine

www.thewidowshandbook.com/home/models-...

#widow

A friend rang up to cancel our outing at the last minute on Saturday night. She'd hurt her knee and was distressed so I was sympathetic until she said: "And X [her husband] isn't here to ask what to do!" Sigh. #grief #widowed #bereft #alone

Every slight, no matter how unintentional, serves as a reminder that I don't have a place in the world any more. I'm no one's significant other - or significant anything. #grief #widowed

I miss us. Our routines, our trips, our plans, our meals, our day-to-day, our tackling things together, our general 'usness'. Nothing can ever ease that. #grief #widowed #bereavement

You should be proud! Moving is incredibly stressful and with an injury that's even harder. Well done you!

How are you doing? Moving is so stressful.

Don't know if I'll ever be able to answer the question 'How are you?' again. Even harder in online messages - the people out there in their normal world think all must be well two years on. They don't want to know it isn't. #grief #bereavement #loss

Some days it's just too hard to accept that this is forever. #grief #loss #bereavement

Those last two sentences sum up my life just now!

Thanks for posting that. I wish there was something like that here.

The second anniversary of losing him has brought with it a shower of platitudes. Well-meaning souls who think themselves commendable because they have remembered the date, so they send those messages that begin 'I hope that you...' and finish with something that is definitely not the case. #grief