Fake Dispatch

I do. But I'm on a Pixel and Apple TV blocks the Pixel's functionality to rotate the screen and lock it in manually. So I have to turn on auto rotate.

Am I the only one who hates auto-rotate?

You sign up for one Ridge Wallet contest and BOOM... they are now your new best friend / crazy ex.

NOON GOD!
WE ARE SO FUCKED.

Ohio State University has announced a new football tradition: all Ohio State fans entering the stadium will receive a cow bell to ring. There is also a song that goes, "Columbus Buckeyes Ring Your Bell!"

Is 90 minutes in line too long for fish and chips?
No.

NOON GOD!
WE WATCH OTHERS IN FLOODS AND WE IGNORE.
WE WATCH OTHERS SUFFER IN HEAT AND WE IGNORE.
WE WATCH OTHERS IN DROUGHT AND WE IGNORE.
BUT THEN WE SUFFER AND WE BEG FOR YOUR HELP.
PLEASE HELP US!!!
WE ARE PATHETIC.
WE DO NOT DESERVE YOU.
YOU ARE SILENT.

I'm currently trying to find the police reports that Trump filed when teenage girls, he somehow hired to work at Mar-a-lago,were kidnapped and taken to Epstein island.

Me, "Hello, Outlook! I'd like to search for something."
Outlook, "Sure! Just so you know, it might be spelled, "search" but we pronounce it, "you ain't finding shit."

They are going to change the name of the Avatar films to "A.I.vatar."

James Cameron is unsure if he is going to piss off more people by making an Avatar prequel or by making the Na'vi females have extremely large breasts. He'll probably do both.

Lord, please let them come in fours.

NOON GOD!
PREPARE US AS IT WILL GET WORSE.
PREPARE US AS IT WILL GET WORSE.
PREPARE US AS IT WILL GET WORSE.
NOON GOD CARES NOT.
NOON GOD IS SILENT.

A man standing in line at Lowe's. waiting to check out to purchase a concrete square slab that I assume is for his cat.

I will not be caught dead buying a concrete tile for my cat.

I'll just steal this guy's.

NOON GOD!
PROTECT US, BELIEVERS AND HEATHENS ALL.
THOSE WHO WORSHIP ASK YOU TO FORGIVE THE UNWORTHY.
THEY KNOW BUT DO NOT CARE.
THEY ARE HOPELESS.
THEN YOUR HORN EXPLODES IN THEIR EARS!
THEY COWER.
YOU CARE NOT.
NOON GOD IS SILENT.

We all knew this was coming and the midterms are going to be raging... as long as Trump doesn't seize voting machines or require a blood test to register or TrumpKKKoin crypto to vote.

The first time I heard Patton Oswalt was on the Howard Stern show. Because I am stupid and there were so many voices at the same time, I thought he was a comedy duo of Pat and Oswald.

It's pretty far away and no chance of collision, so no worries.

See storm coming in.
See wind is blowing.
Open window to let cooling breeze in.
Skin blasted off face.
Close window.

I like you. I think you are cool.

If Jesus and Superman showed up tomorrow on Earth, which one would be the first to punch Trump on the nose?

NOON GOD!
HEATHENS! APOSTATES!
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BATHE IN THE GLORY OF NOON GOD!
YOU ARE ALL UNWORTHY.
EVEN I FAIL.
A FAILURE.
NOON GOD IS SILENT.

Me: "Hello Adobe Support, I have a problem with your software."
Adobe Support: "We can either go back and forth for a month and not find a solution or you can save me a lot of time and just close the ticket now."

Five men with shots of Malort, a horrible whiskey.

A bunch of dudes faking like they enjoy Malort.

July the Fourth be with you.

Q. Did Jesus ride dinosaurs?
A. No, Jesus is not real.

NOON GOD!
DUE TO VACATION, NOON GOD WORSHIP SERVICES HAVE BEEN CANCELED FOR TODAY.
THANK YOU.

an awful DJ

You suck!

Idiot rolling from Billy Idol into the Pointer Sisters.... IDIOT!

It's not hard to play good music at a club.