Dustin Heveron

i just know i could fly a spaceship so well drunk

my girlfriend said she’s taking an everything shower — which i assume is just a regular shower but with sesame seeds, poppy seeds, dried garlic, dried onion, and salt

i know a dominatrix hates to see me coming

YouTube video by Jimmy Kimmel Live Jimmy Kimmel is Back!

youtu.be/c1tjh_ZO_tY?...

say what you will about Charlie Kirk…oh wait actually don’t do that, you’ll get fired

“This is the skin of a killer,

2025 Premier League Summer Series Wed Jul 30 2025, 5:30 PM Soldier Field, Chicago, IL

two tickets section 246 for Manchester United v Bournemouth in today Chicago! snag ‘em if you like:

my.ticketmaster.com/ds/vQGAA4QCY...

another month where i can’t pay rent bc no one bought my pitch for a reality show called Temptation Epstein’s Island

i hate it when babies are screaming on a plane, it’s like look buddy, this entire flight is going down, you’re not special.

pulling this tweet out of retirement in honor of the occasion:

x.com/ocdustino/st...

in terms of accuracy, really it’s a DUI that should be colloquially known as a fender bender

Trader Joes before hoes

my newborn baby doesn’t have an immune system yet, so she’s isn’t allowed to smoke unfiltered cigarettes

i also have the ability to make my entire workday a blank and it’s not Severance it’s called getting blacked out on a Tuesday bc i have a problem, and yet Apple refuses to make a show about that one

i’m like an adrenaline junkie, but with heroin

for Lent i’m giving up sex with Margot Robbie

don’t complain about getting car sick if you didn’t get car vaccinated

defund the Paw Patrol

i scheduled a couples’ massage for my girlfriend and i for Valentine’s Day and my wife is PISSED.

not Kendrick accepting the Grammys for Not Like Us in a Canadian Tuxedo 😂🙌🏻

what if we shared some ~*forever*~ plastics 🥲💞

what r some of ur fave types of prudence? mine’s probably jurisprudence.

say what you will about Kamala, we wouldn’t be debating whether an unelected member of her regime was doing a Nazi salute on her third day in office. so way to own the libs i guess?

my entire thing is not wasting energy on people who only bring negativity into my life, so when i say i fucking hate Donald Trump, just know that it’s because i’ve exhausted every other possibility and option, and loathing this lunatic was the only course of action remaining. fucking dolt.

crazy how fans want actors to be obsessed with any comic book character they play — like dude, hire the best actor and they’re gonna do what they need for the role…when i take my car to the shop i don’t ask “Are you OBSESSED with Ford Focuses? Did you love them as a kid?” let them do their jobs ffs

girlhood is a spectrum and it’s not the only spectrum i’m on

stressed? anxious? overwhelmed? too many work/life problems? have you tried…ignoring it?

with Ignoring It™️, you can:
• pretend to be fine
• wait till it’s someone else’s problem
• maybe it fixes itself
• pass off to Future You, who will definitely have a solution by then

…try Ignoring It™️ TODAY!

elf on a MILF

i’m actually super allergic to [Doja]cats

not Christopher Columbus discovering America the same way i “discover” my roommate’s leftover pizza when i come home drunk at 2am