Bar Mageddon

nah send him to like new jersey

i wouldn’t

asking the cashier if there’s a veteran account discount

i would never insult taylor swift

btw this is off the record

we’re sorry this account is no longer in service

I DON’T HAVE ANY I’M NOT MISTER PULITZER

counting the days until your promotion to sergeant adult

i don’t know that one

“hoe hoe hoe”

victorian ghost children should be neither seen nor heard

is that taylor swift lyrics

we can bring back choice to consumers*

*mean husbands

but is it a new boot goofan account

the scope of our country’s leadership vacuum being laid bare for all to see has been a sickeningly eye-opening experience for me, and i was already a firm dem-skeptic independent

a weird side effect of the federal government being purged of anyone with morals is that i have no faith in anything any agency says or does

very strange, who could have predicted

this is why i only date volunteers

what if we went in the other direction and screenshotted excerpts of books that remind us writing is an art

feels like we've firmly established that this woman sucks at writing so it's safe to stop compiling evidence now

reign of terror tonite 👀

reign of terror tonight queen??

reign of terror tonite 👀

what the hell, why am i like this

[zoom inside my brain pixar style]

[sadness and rage are fuckin on the control panel]

- [censored]
- [censored]
- lapoopoo
- [censored]
- chorlie cork makes a friend

finally, a woman who liste- [yanked off stage]

i give your diet ONE STAR do not recommend

idk if you know this but this sucks ass

imagine eating licorice when literally everything else has been invented instead

this is dumb as hell

i’m leaving it

what’s the problem, you can still put cow milk on yours

sounds a little too gollum-y

it’s a wonderful life is a beautiful christmas story about an angel trying to fuck

teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel is fuckin