@stevewhitaker.bsky.social
Eighth-grade science teacher.
omg
03.07.2025 18:43 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0What has one thumb and is rapidly getting redder?
This floor!
Who's got two thumbs and is learning how to use a table saw ONE thumb who's got one thumb
03.07.2025 18:34 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0Young me: Oracle, when I am older will I still go to the club on weekends
Oracle: Yes
Me: sweet
Oracle: it will be Costco
I think about this line a lot.
25.06.2025 11:23 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0🎶 I don’t know but I’ve been told /
I’m not very talented at making up cadences
George Washington felt old as he stood.
“My dear Martha, please rest assured,
as my body goes south
with these teeth in my mouth
At least I will always have wood.”
“Proof of age, sir?”
“I have a playlist on my phone that’s just covers of Toto’s ‘Africa.’”
“Enjoy your beer.”
An excellent twist ending would be that God is non-binary and they want to have a word with MAGA
23.05.2025 14:36 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I suck at haikus /
Because I am no good at /
Counting
Greatest wallpaper ever? Yes.
19.05.2025 21:53 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0No one has more misplaced faith in me than my Apple Watch
18.05.2025 21:45 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0
Democrats in Congress rn
14.05.2025 10:26 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0The opposite of a conclave is a convlex
08.05.2025 00:11 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 1 📌 0I think if Jesus came back today, he'd take a quick look around and then do one of those comedic slow backwards walks out of frame
20.04.2025 15:40 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Good job, Rory McIlroy!
But our Green Jacket is in another castle!
I'm positive that Post Malone is a character played by Shia LaBeouf
12.04.2025 12:02 — 👍 5 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Get me to God's country
31.03.2025 11:53 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Compared to all of... this, the new season of Black Mirror is going to feel utopian
29.03.2025 13:12 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
Pete Hegseth is a dick
26.03.2025 00:01 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0DoorDash: food's here
Pete Hegseth: we're bombing Yemen tomorrow
I knew I shouldn't have bought this Dyson Turbo Bidet xTreme
23.03.2025 09:44 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0There are abolitionist writers hiding aboard this ship! Harriet Beecher Stoweaways!
22.03.2025 17:36 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0She blinded me with science. But mostly an icepick
20.03.2025 00:01 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I baked a cobbler this morning. Poor little guy kept right on making shoes until the end
19.03.2025 10:50 — 👍 4 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Are you a leprechaun or a leprechaun't?
17.03.2025 23:43 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0C'mon, ballerina! Talk! Tell me what I want to know!
Don't make me use this pair of... pliérs.
Damn it. I keep writing one hour earlier on all my checks.
14.03.2025 09:51 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0Shouldn’t the word be “ligæture?”
09.03.2025 12:16 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0I feel like I should've saved more daylight by this point in my life
09.03.2025 11:35 — 👍 0 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
