Tastysoup

You know what would be sad would be if Lincoln had bought season tickets.

What happens if an astronomer says "betelgeuse" three times? Are ghosts phonetic?

I was going to watch #civilwar but I think I might have already seen it... in the visions manifested from the crippling anxieties that I try to escape by watching movies.

If God gave me lemons, why would I make lemonade out of them? I can make lemonade out of any old lemons. If you've got God lemons, sell that shit on eBay!

I thought I was getting really good at meditation because I could sit for hours, staring at nothing with my mind completely blank. But it turned out I was just really depressed.

If you try hard enough, everything is scratch-and-sniff.

Is innuendo an onomatopoeia?

I heard Matthew McConaughey went to the doctor because his hand hurt.

Turns out he has arthritaritaritis.

Just saw the rare, director's cut of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Everything was the same up until Cindy Lou Who walked in on the Grinch stealing the presents. Then shit got real Funny Games.🥺

Oh shit, so do I!

Somebody said to me, "Meat is murder!"
So I said, "But then why doesn't it give me an erection?"

You just have to get them hot enough to ignite.

As a kind of antisocial person, I don't really understand either side of the abortion debate. Everyone is either pro-choice, or pro-life, like there's no third option.

They say that whenever God closes a door, he opens a window.
What kind of OCD shit is that?

Or maybe it doesn't matter what sack you put shit in, people can always tell if it's a distinguished member of Senate, or just a sack of shit.

Maybe they wouldn't let him in because they knew he worked for The Post.

Rob Ford was a great American.
And thats kind of a weird thing for a Canadian.

Wow! This calls back several of my favorite things, including Rob Ford!

In a perfect world, clicking on this article would immediately connect you with a clinical depression hotline.

Bob Barker was a big proponent of having pets spayed and neutered, so I bet his cause would have been abortion rights if his name had been Bob Brat.

Every time I see the new Kia emblem I think, "When did Nine Inch Nails come out with a car?"

My dog died.
Don't worry, I don't mean a real dog. He was just my really good friend.

I just watched this really bizarre movie where Freaky Friday, and Taco Tuesday switched weeks at their leap year, and had to miss prom. And the weirdest part was that it was playing in a bowl of clam chowder.
So, yeah, I think these allergy pills have side effects.

Well, if erectile dysfunction meds, pedophilia , and banjos count then I think Mitch qualifies.

As a straight, white, male living in the upper-middle class, I really feel that I am a lot like Rosa Parks.
And by that, I mean that I look really good in a pillbox hat.

I wonder if Paul McCartney, and REO Speedwagon ever got in a fight about the acceptable number of lonely nights.

I can't wait to get this!
Recess peanut butter monkey!!!!

Evolution!

Any other shit-town 90s kids out there ever spend 48 hours straight in a 24 hour restaurant?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
It's kind of a dick move on the Lord's part