Hieronymous Beeotch

TIL it’s bad luck to step on a baby

a location on a map named Vagina Museum

congrats to your mom on her big opening

With Tom Lehrer's passing, I suppose this is a moment to share the story of the prank he played on the National Security Agency, and how it went undiscovered for nearly 60 years.

Now that’s a fucking headline

this opposition party could have been an email

‘Dog Walking Is a Clear Crime’: Iran’s Latest Morality Push The government regards pet dogs as a sign of Western cultural influence. They are also considered impure, in Islam. Now there is a crackdown.

'“Prayer is invalid with the presence of dog hair,” his fatwa read.'
buy my holy lint roller or you're wasting your breath

www.nytimes.com/2025/06/09/w...

slicing my palm over this mound of earth and clay to animate a golem with a single driving purpose: to bring me a fuckton of tacos. this is a solid use of blood magic. there will be no unexpected consequences.

whose hand is that though

[first day as a doctor]

me: inside of you are two wolves

patient: …you mean lungs?

me: (looking at x-ray again) you know what

Whatever skin you're wearing this incarnation, you're a badass NFL analyst and anyone who disagrees will lose to me in fantasy.

[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]

me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit

“Can you keep a secret?” asked the person about to stop keeping a secret.

America’s greatest university versus history’s worst President
wheeeeeeeee

In the plus column, even beginning practitioners can make a voodoo doll to control him with a condom and a sharpie

It's still not on your 2025 bingo card, because he wrote that in 2022 when he still had a spine.
This year he signed a ban on transgender kids in school sports, as well as bans on Pride flags in schools and other public spaces and trans kids in college dorms that don't match their "birth sex"

Grandma wants to teach me to play pee knuckle, like I'd fall for that shit

Boomer ain't a number, it's a state of mind. Boomers gonna boom.

what the fuck am I supposed to do with this penis between now and November?

Michael Waltz’s Venmo Is Public, and It’s Full of Journalists The figure who tagged a journalist into a Signal chat about the attack on Yemen also failed to set his Venmo to private, revealing his willingness to engage with reporters of all political stripes.

Writers at SNL super sad because this was going to be their skit. prospect.org/politics/202...

Boomer

A blue Tesla Model 3 has been crushed by an Olmec statue. A man with long black braids leans against the hood of the car with his arms crossed, staring down the camera.

Tesla Model 3 crushed by an Olmec statue
By Mexican sculptor @chavismarmol.bsky.social

First they came for the green m&m stripper boots and I said nothing

I’m a practitioner who does nurses, so yes - I am a nurse practitioner.

[inadvertent haiku]

autocorrect changed
“lit” to “clit” & i have to
admit im well red 😳

Real men cry. #masculinity

Getting over strep throat has taught me how important it is that I stop making out with homeless people at the park. Even when you think they’re asleep they can be dangerous.

I’d buy one too if Peter Lorre gave me a handjob on the test drive

The most important political divide is no longer between left & right. Not even between liberal & authoritarian. Its between those who grasp the sheer scale & potentially revolutionary consequences – in the US & around the world – of what Trump is trying to do in his 2nd term; and those who don’t.

A couple trees in my yard were throwing birds at each other