Allison Sanchez

Hey NBC and Seth Meyers, y’all need to book the largest possible venue in D.C. on April 26th and do a competing fundraiser and comedy show that actually celebrates the First Amendment. Televise it. Make Amber Ruffin the central act. Send a message that free speech is non-negotiable.

My favorite movie genres:

5. The most dangerous game is man.
4. I’ve gotten stuck in some sort of Christmas snow globe sitch.
3. Deadbeat dad is real good in an apocalypse.
2. The real time travel was the friends we made along the way!!
1. Zombies.

My toxic trait is that while I often don’t finish many of my friends’ Instagram stories — I refuse to miss a single second of any story The Rainforest Cafe posts.

I am transfixed. I am one with the jungle and it with me. The rain is real and its tears are my own emotions, falling into a mall.

My husband tonight: Have we seen the movie 2012?

Me: I think the question you mean is have YOU seen 2012 because of course I have, dozens of times.

I’ve recently learned that there’s a rainforest cafe in Texas with a river ride and now it’s the only thing I want to do before I die.

let me just say that i have maybe one billion questions for Olivia Nuzzi right now

if anyone says the word "bipartisan" to me ever again for the rest of my life i cannot be fucking held responsible

WIC. They are pausing WIC.

That's the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children. Last time I checked (a while ago), every dollar spent on WIC produced over a dollar in savings *in the same fiscal year.* For most people, though, feeding infants and mothers is enough.

When we tell our kids they WILL use math when they grow up, we just don’t include how fucked up and confusing that math will be.

But rest assured
— the below is all correct math. And it haunts me every night of my life.

Love non compliance but…

As someone who has been run over by a Land Rover going 35 miles an hour while Jay walking, please don’t do that.

Non-comply in ways that don’t hurt that much. I promise, it hurts SO much. Some stuff — like crosswalks and traffic lights are there for a reason.

Donald Trump and a version of Melania Trump sit at the inauguration lunch. “Melania” is dressed in a black suit and black hat. The hat covers almost the entire top half of her face. Her eyes are not visible. Donald trump has this dopey look on his face as he contemplates how he’s a criminal and no one loves him. Or maybe he’s thinking about how he wishes McDonalds had catered the food and also no one loves him. Hard to say.

I’m not saying that it’s a fake Melania. But if I DID have to hire a fake wife to accompany me to my inauguration because my real wife hated me and I had to hide her face but couldn’t use sunglasses… This is totally the hat I’d put her in.

I donated. Please consider making a donation if you are able.

Donate to Help Clatrina & Her Family Rebuild After Eaton Fires, organized by Shannon Bradley I'm devastated to share that my best friend, Clatrina, a dedicate… Shannon Bradley needs your support for Help Clatrina & Her Family Rebuild After Eaton Fires

This teacher and mother lost her family’s home and everything. They haven’t had a lot of donations so far — as we think about equity in funding, let’s try to make bipoc GoFundMes as robust as others? Anyway — please help if you can.

gofund.me/015fae9a

You know who believes in climate change...house insurance companies

Is that guy bringing his kids into a secret bunker that the government told him about back when he still had the respect of the scientific community or is he commandeering an airplane to get out of dodge while his ex wife falls back in love with him. The people need to know!

So confusing to know if we should leave for a few days due to the air quality or ride it out because I haven’t yet seen a ‘former, disgraced scientist, who was laughed at 5 yrs ago, and is also a single dad working an hourly job that embarrasses him in front of his kids’ new step dad’ to follow.

2025 is MY year (to cry myself to sleep)!

I’m just kidding— I mostly cry during the day.

Printed instructions for microwaving a potato with encircled bullet point, “Potato may whistle in microwave.”

for the potato fears not death

The richest man in the world went insane because he can buy anything except the ability to tell a joke. That's how valuable jokes are.

This is… bleak. (And salt to an old wound as someone who was once replaced by a White male showrunner).

“Mama, come outside, I have a surprise for you. And man is it going to blow your ears off”

My 3 year old said very seriously today. Then followed up with.

“Your ears are blown off, aren’t they?”

You always know a TV wedding isn’t happening if you see them try on the dress. A full look at a tv character in her gorgeous dress before the wedding? You ain’t seeing it walk down the aisle, my friend.

Oh totally! I’m all for it.

If you “earned” a billion dollars - a lot. And I mean A lOT of minimum wage worked helped you get there. So every dollar over a billion, should go back to them in some way.

I don’t think billionaires should be allowed — every dollar over 999,999,999.99 goes away. There’s this weird American ideal that’s like, but I earned that money! No. No billionaire earned a billion dollars waiting goddamn tables. Other people worked for that — and were exploited for that.