Jay the Superduper Awesome Cool Guy.

I was around 30 when I was the first one of my kin (NOT family, just merely relatives) to notice the real irony.

Not only am I a Wiener on my mother's side, I'm the grandson of Tiny Wiener. But since I'm 5'9" and my enabler elder sibling is 6'3", he's the one who's a huge dick.

She invested in my conception and birth, and you can't exploit an aborted kid. She's deluded enough to think she loves me, IMO.

But I'll tell you the actually funny, 100% true part. Her dad, Sam, was a tall man in the time of ironic nicknames. As a kid, I just thought of him as Grandpa Tiny.

Still too flattering a memorial for my perpetually living remaining parent. I can’t get my mother the gift I want her to have.

It's part one of the "feel good story" of the year!

medium.com/@lordfoolery...

My mother is a White Court vampire without the warm fuzzies or magic powers. Yes, that includes using sex as a means to an end. I think the 18 out of 30 Blackened Denarians that have been surveyed declined being picked up by her. Demonreach has declined interring her, citing indigestion.

Happy Mother's Day to Nurse Ratched, who carried me for nine months and has hated me since conception. I only want one thing for my upcoming birthday: to sit shiva. It's gonna be a hell of a party!

Hey, anybody know how I can book a ride on Elon Musk's next Starship launch for my former gestational unit? I just like the odds.

You can be honest and still be tactful.

Risa or Plazir-15 are the top picks. At this point, I might even settle for Decapod-10,and I loathe seafood.

When I called the insurance company to get a new quote for car insurance, the rep politely explained why he wasn't able to provide it right then and there.

I calmly told him that he had failed me miserably and I would be throwing an asteroid at his house within the next 24 hours.

In case there were any further inquiries about the subject, let me emphatically make my point with 100% clarity, for those in the nosebleed seats.

Every day I wake up on this planet, it's completely in violation of my free will.

He's a drill for a mining operation?

Stay safe.

Now now, Otto Octavius doesn't own a phone company in THIS corner of the Multiverse. Your tech is far more likely to be a Decepticon or HexTech from Arcane.

You're a detective. Be logical, dude.

a man is talking on a phone and saying " hello , it , have you tried turning it off and on again ? " ALT: a man is talking on a phone and saying " hello , it , have you tried turning it off and on again ? "

I have been A+ certified as a computer technician.

With regards to my profile pic, the state of Maryland finally decided that I'm not allowed to wear my colander.

I may try to contact the local media and see if I can make a stink out of it. I'm a Pastafarian, dammit!

Aww, you mean I have to stop impersonating you? But you and my fake Bob Picardo accounts were about to take over Guam by fiat.

Okay, if you INSIST.

(I am being ridiculous, I am not a faker)

I have a photo of myself standing next to James marsters, who played Spike on Buffy the Vampire slayer. My t-shirt reads, "Do Not Expose to Direct Sunlight". I was aware of the shirt I'd unconsciously picked to wear when I met the man.

Tl, DR: Daystar BAD! 1 star.

Fuck you, speech to text. PITHY comments are self-serve buffet style until the future, offer not valid for time travelers.

It's late, I'm depressed, make your own Pitney comment. Sarcasm will come later.

Not much. I am no shepherd, so Wanting is encouraged.

I'm here!

Now what?

What could possibly go wrong? 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄