Nadja, typical sailor type, enamored with a terrifying thing you only find in the middle of the ocean

I can at least actually mourn and recognize events leading up to the state of my broken-ass brain. I resent these things, not Myself. But it still hurts and I just want to be able to Trust again.

I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of pointless shit pissing me off out of some reactionary instinct. I’m tired of having no trust in myself that I haven’t just fucked it all up again and should simply give up. I’m tired of not being able to discern valid intuition with the anxiety. It’s exhausting.

I’m so tired of my broken ass brain. It’s genuinely becoming distressing that I can’t just function normally and not have to constantly navigate my social life on edge waiting for…..??????

Status: Not good, chief

Giving up kind of day, just tired

Feeling: Stuck in a Loop, as if my username predicted this all

hrrnnnn...lions be huntin today, not sure Why other than bored and restless

BDJSFN YEAAAHHH

Tacked on some Worm Lore

YAAAAAAAAY

Another Thingy of sorts I am conjuring

Scrunkly around the edges but feel semi-better today, Finally

I’m so sorry man :( 🫂

*collapses* yeah I needed that, phew

Therapist…tonight

Right. Pattern seeking monkey brain, man

The pure relief of not needing to feel fucking micromanaged and worthless-yet-overworked all the time, palpable

I did remember though, it’s an actual thing to feel Worse after you got away from a shit job cause you’re no longer in survival mode 24/7 so. That would make sense, feels correct. Doesn’t suck any less though because all I want to do lately is simply: hide in a hole til I feel normal again

Really hope talking it out with this guy again is gonna help cause I'm feeling hopeless right now and it just will Not let up. Great way to spend the weekend, yaaay

All the factual evidence and I still sit here sometimes like “well what if I AM just overreacting and being dramatic. Isn’t all that shit just normal actually (no)”

Been starting a journal of all the shit my mom + past people in my life have done to fill a trauma-meter I didn’t think even existed a few years ago, to talk to therapist about this week, and boy. It’s getting Long ❤️

I’ve seen coaches and people with courses use the word, thankfully not PROFESSIONALS. Yet. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re out there

Am I the only one that hates the word Neurospicy. It sounds like it’s trying to make the real thing quirky and fun when it is anything but and the mere mention of the word makes me avoid you/your practice or advice even harder. Can we just Not

:( I’m so sorry man, juking at life for you to pump the fuckin brakes

Ok this guy actually summed up CPTSD better than I ever could honestly. It’s so hard to put into words without sounding crazy

Therapist scheduled for next week 👍 sorry to him in advance

Please just go to therapy. Please go to therapy. Especially if I do muster the will to come down on you with reality, ma ma. The resentment of it all is palpable

I feel for her, I’m glad she’s improved, but the person who actually raised me was entirely different

Need to find a way to gently sit my mom down and remind her point blank the generational trauma didn’t end with her. She just parentified me and then some 👍