Cranky. Overstimmied. Nosebleed. AGHK.

Narrator voice: She doesn't feel good

A sign saying "I'm not interested in competing with anyone. I hope we all make it."

*taps sign*

Adding as I think about it: I also am afraid of coming off Too overbearing or clingy to compensate for the first fear. Like I don't know a proper threshold because it seems like a lose/lose situation where you're either too absent or Too Much. I don't think a Real threshold exists though

If I could be laying in front of a fireplace incapacitated and depressed in a room with friends I’d still be the happiest person alive cause I just know they’re There. Parallel play etc etc you know

Key word Irrational. I hope the pals know how much I care about them and that they are always on my mind even when I’m in some grief-vortex and a bit absent. I exist in my head 99% of the time and forget to be Present, or I don’t know What to do or say and feel useless. But god I care so much fhsfk

Sometimes I think about that bit in Dunmeshi that makes me cry where Laios is told to his face Shuro hates him, despite Laios believing the contrary cause he just didn’t realize. Irrational fear sometimes that I feel far closer to people than they feel of me and I’m oblivious to some unspoken thing

The :[ status effect keeps crunching, man

Pats, here for ya brother

Taking a bath and banning any more caffeine for the day

I cannot discern valid fact-based intuition vs. gut feeling anxiety and it drives me crazy stg

Could be overdoing the caffeine to stay awake and the unrest of the entire world but I just cannot shake the impending feeling of being hunted and feeling evil about it

You know what? 2026 is the year I'm not playing nice anymore.

If copyright means so little to use A / I for playing around, here's one of his book for free:

Color and Light James Gurney [English] : Free Download, Internet Archive share.google/qjDjFS6QhhZJ...

Not to say the foundation of graphic design was nothing short But the purpose of mass production and function but there seriously is more to the craft than just selling a product I’ll die on this hill. The problem solving is the fun of it and proves individuality resonates with people

there’s something in there that resonates with me beyond “commercial consumer product” and if I can somehow maintain the principles of creative individuality and Communication to average people that’s enough for me as opposed to feeling like a total corporate sellout

Keep impulse buying mid century design books to feel something. Excited about graphic design again but the industry makes me so *pained smile*

Can’t even find enjoyment in anything collaborative or creative as a viable escape rn so I can only just keep trying to stay Busy or Sleep and somehow hope tomorrow isn’t just another awful fucking headline you can only just laugh about otherwise you cry

It makes it really hard to want to be on socials when it’s poison damage from every headline trying to sift through AI slop and scrutinize facts, everyone is equally as miserable, can’t find any viable escape that isn’t just being mentally barricaded and angry. And it makes me feel USELESS.

I’m just so tired dude. Everything makes me Tired. Hate it here

Sometimes I forget part of the mental illness barrage I have endured since my grandma’s death is the everyday overwhelming dread of the World immediately following that. Cut family off for it. It’s stressful as fuck background noise I tune out til I remind myself Over and over and over again yaay

Too tired to do anything or care about anything and YET, still can’t just stay Asleep

Maybe it’s the state of the world and how animal anthropomorphizing makes exploring certain subjects Digestible

Dunno if it’s an urge to heal my inner child or something but I’ve been really into toying with the idea of a short animal comic of some sort. Like Watership Down Animal Farm levels of animal politics, Secret of Nimh. I’ve been fascinated with navajo churro sheep

Simply: Sula Faces

Same for blorbo thought babble that only I care about and don’t want strangers poking at. Might just need to journal again so I stop taking poison damage

Need bsky to allow private accounts already so I can just babble my dumb thoughts into the void and feel less like I’m taking up space when I get zero reply hfkahfjg

Choosing to believe the seasonal SAD disease simply has me and everyone in its clutches lately cause man, feeling it

Really missing my (great) aunt lately. And grandma. Feels like she’s still here til I remember there’s no visiting her any more

If I just continue to stay reallyreally busy the ennui can’t keep up. EZ