StevenSpecht

I was painting my 5-year-old's nails and they needed a second base coat

5 called the second coat a "double crust"

Double crust sounds much better than "second base coat"

We are never going back

Kid: Dad, did you ever notice there aren't any reptiles in Zootopia?

Me: Yeah, what do you think the predators eat?

Kid: Huh?

Me: Peaceful coexistence between all mammals, right?

Kid: Yeah

Me: What does the fox eat?

Kid: Oh. That's messed up...

Me: Utopias usually are, if you look closely

Hey Google: Can you get mesothelioma from a single exposure to asbestos?

-Asked during home repair

The answer was yes...

a cartoon character with glasses and the words that boy ain 't right ALT: a cartoon character with glasses and the words that boy ain 't right

Please stop arguing, I've had a penis a lot longer than you!

Filed under things I wasn't expecting to say today

Solid review.

Lower right has super "why won't any women date me" vibes

Vaccines don't cause autism.

However, if you believe they do, let's take a closer look at what that claim means.

You'd rather a child die a painful death than have a life that is inconvenient to you.

Anti-vaxxers aren't just dumb/ignorant.

They are also cruel.

It's crazy that there is nothing to stop you from sending exercise equipment or a vacuum cleaner to another man's wife for Valentine's Day

A page worth following on Facebook

It turns gender stereotypes on their head

My comment below the image for emphasis

"The yeast eat the sugar and reproduce exponentially, causing the dough to rise...

In an hour we kill them all

First by boiling them and then baking them at a fatal température"

(Explaining the bagel making process to a 9-year old)

Wife-Too many spiders in here

Me-Yeah, but they eat bugs

Wife-Ok, but I need a plan for when you will take care of it

Me-I vacuum them every five weeks

Wife-That seems arbitrary

Me-On the contrary, I give them written notice two weeks prior

Wife-Spiders can't read

Me-Um... Charlotte's Web?

It's all fun and games until your kid builds a nuclear reactor in the basement

MAGA thinks banning works on Tik Tok, books, abortions, weed, drag shows, immigration, public schools, CRT… but for some reason the ONLY thing that a ban won’t do anything to help is mass shooting

An excerpt of Helmet for My Pillow critiquing those who mistake fame for expertise

I suppose it's an explanation for having a gameshow host for a president again

I hope all the people who didn't follow me on my nonexistent Tik Tok account follow me here!

'Merica!

Needed to leave my 9-year-old at home for a bit, so I taught him to send emails just in case

I asked that he read for 30 minutes before playing computer games

Apparently he got into my Calvin and Hobbes collection and sent me emails asking about things like lobotomies and skin grafts

My four year old called a bra "nipple pouches" and I have to admit that is way better than "over the shoulder boulder holders"

I asked a professor for permission to watch the recorded lecture instead of attending live because of personal reasons

He said he would have to think about it because there are only 5 people in the class and I account for 40% of the discussion...

Doing the math...

Me: Alright, first day of the semester. Time to focus and get my money's worth!

Also Me: Let's outline a new novel at 4 AM and start writing it today!

Me: Because it was extra to call outside your region, people would wait until Sunday to make long distance calls when rates were cheaper. Sometimes so many people called, entire networks of landlines would shut down. A robot voice would say "all circuits are busy"

Teenager: What's a landline?

People who say "I don't want to be a statistic" don't understand statistics...

It's just dumb way to say "I make good decisions"

I wonder how many Xennials are minding their own business when an intrusive thought of Will Ferrell as
Harry Caray pops into their brain and they answer in the affirmative that great philosophical query...

"Yes... If I were a hotdog, I WOULD eat myself and I'd be delicious"

Sorry, but I can't

I have the Walmart self-checkout Christmas party that night

Nope, leave it alone!

That's mommy's microphone!

No one:

Me: I've always thought Nicki Minaj's gravitas is greatly reduced when she says, "somebody please tell them who the F I is" only to immediately follow up with "I am Nicki Minaj"

Do you have confidence in your minions or not?

If AARP keeps sending millennials invites we are going to engage in a leadership coup and lobby Congress to ban reverse mortgages, the final fuck you of the Me Generation..

The car in front of me was stalled.

I parked and asked the young lady driving to pop it into neutral. Then I pushed her through the light and into a gas station.

Over and over she asked to pay me

I declined because it seemed silly

Not everything needs to be monetized

Nothing technically stopping you from leaving a signed book in the seating area..

Are screenshots of Twitter okay here?