Moe Ottis

Mossad got Korean Moe.

I am fucking devastated.

Today, I will be handcuffing myself to a pole outside Panda Express and giving the key to the nearest wild animal.

Back in college, I was kicked out of the phrenology club for having a “monumentally Italian skull shape”.

That is the closest I’ve ever come to killing myself in both the real world and the ghost dimension.

I’ve never seen my own penis in more than 240p quality.

I have sex with men for all the wrong reasons, but that doesn’t mean I’m gay!

I probably wrote that story, and if I didn’t someone is trying to steal my life and I must hunt them down and teach them a lesson

Subway put too many tomatoes on my foot long so now I have no choice but to kill the Earth

I’m just a boy who loves the world

I’ve lost it at least 17 times

Welcome to my fucked up life

Korean Moe just asked me to go to prom with him. What should I say?

(I’m afraid he’s going to kill himself again.)

I just filled the parking garage at Target with thiophosphonate.

Can’t arrest me cause I’m just a girl 🤭👉👈

You should be grateful, few receive that gift

I lost my virginity the first time in a janitors closet at a Rainforest Cafe. The second time wasn’t nearly as romantic

Just said the word “dopetacular” to a bitch and she immediately tried to stick her entire tongue up my left nostril. I think I’ve got my Valentine’s Day date settled

My nephew Jack “The Tortured and Castrated Slave” Ottis used to call my basement the “Fingernail factory”, no idea why

Cops are at my door about the sardine prank I pulled on my local elementary school. How far this country has fallen…

I’m being girl-bullied by a gay man with mental health issues and I’ve had ENOUGH

Might fuck around and get male impregnated by Gavin Newsom

Just ate a puppy for breakfast at 12:14 PM. Deal with it

Just ended the war in Kuwait. Yup, you can all thank me later.

I am the number one Alvin and the Chipmunks scholar in the universe

There was this French bitch I liked way more when she had brain damage.

They can’t tell me what I seen, cause only I know what I seen.

You have no idea what’s gonna happen when the Ottis Files are finally released. It might just end everything

Update: My crab wife is trying to get me killed by the crab yakuza.

Sometimes 48,000 people need to die in order to get your eggs cooked the way you want them. That’s just a fact of life and you cannot hold me accountable for it

@los-angeles-kings.bsky.social please give me back the jackal meat your security team confiscated from me at the Kings vs Oilers game in January.

Ordered Taco Bell and my door dash driver was a gray alien. #LAliving

I’m going to become Chinese for all the right reasons