James Gamble🧙‍♂️

Spider-Gran, Spider-Gran,
Always calls you a sweet young man.
Knits a web! Takes a nap!
Her couch is covered in plastic wrap.
Look out!
Please call your Spider-Gran.

Me: And this is my house.
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me [speaking slowly]: Stairs. Don't. Talk.

Judging by the sheer number of broken pottery fragments, the Roman Empire might have been the clumsiest civilization in history.

I feel like people putting “Student Driver” stickers on their cars is the new version of putting a fake service dog vest on your chihuahua so you can take it into Costco.

I can’t tell you how long that Trojan Horse would’ve sat outside my city gates. If it’s anything like my Amazon packages, I’d notice it three days later and say, "Oh, right, I should probably bring that in." The Greeks would have starved.

Let me get this straight. Eating cheese off a board is ‘classy’ and costs $17, but when I eat it straight from the fridge at 3 AM, I’m a ‘gremlin’?

The three hardest things to say:

-I was wrong.

-I need help.

-Worcestershire… Worchestire… Worcheshire… you know, that sauce.

We’re so close to “let’s circle back next year” season, I can practically taste it.

The massive spider in my room is now named Cotton Eyed Joe because I want to know two things:

-Where did he come from?
-Where did he go?

I want to live like a minimalist, but I also want one in every color.

Dog owners pick names like "Max" or "Bailey," while cat owners will name their cat something like "Beef Stroganoff."

A woman just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I’m pretty sure it’s a trap. We’ve been silently staring each other down for half an hour.

WONKA: Congratulations, Charlie! My chocolate empire is yours.

CHARLIE: That’s wondrous!

WONKA: Now, the first thing will be handling this PR crisis.

CHARLIE: Wait, what—

WONKA: A lot of kids just died in your factory, Charlie. And there’s a rumor that you apparently own slaves?!

Ok, ok, ok, hear me out. What if I started a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches and parked it next to a Chick-fil-A, but only on Sundays? I’d call it “Side Chick.”

The dumbest person you know just got told ‘You’re absolutely right!’ by ChatGPT.

Why do so many fast-food restaurants now have the same cookie-cutter look, while car washes seem to be the last bastion of modern architecture?

I walked out to the kitchen, and one of the new developers had lined up six cups of coffee, all filled to the brim from the big machine. He looked at me, eyes wide, and asked, “Do you know how much coffee this thing makes?” I showed him how to use the carafe.

The cashier seemed pleased that I bagged my own groceries, until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I’d like you to do it.”

Dunkin' Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate-glazed donuts.

Me, about to lose it: No, James, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Tried a CPAP for the first time last night, and it feels less like a game changer and more like discovering a whole new sport.

Do you ever cycle through the same four apps on your phone repeatedly and feel like a tiger pacing in its cage at the zoo? Asking for a friend.

After being around actual humans, I reminded myself I was normal, a couple of them were definitely less normal, no one wants me dead, and if anyone saw me spill Diet Coke on myself, they were polite enough not to mention it.

One of the most underrated benefits of having a cat is that you have another creature to share a confused look with when you hear a random loud noise in the middle of the night.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
"You are going to change the world."

What I actually say as a parent:
"Stop drinking the bathwater."

The pancake mix is too thick. Add water.
The pancake mix is too runny. Add mix.
The pancake mix is too thick. Add water.
Feed the family 120 pancakes.

I just watched a video of someone claiming they’ll “never buy garlic again” after finding this so-called “hack.” All they did was plant garlic in their backyard and let it grow. My guy, you didn’t invent a hack; you just rediscovered agriculture.

Me, when I’m broke: “When I get paid, I’m finally going to start saving. No unnecessary purchases this time. I mean it.”

Me, when I get paid: “Amazon, do you sell swords for squirrels?”

Spoons are a species of bowl. Knives are a species of plate. Forks descend from a now-extinct dish that would be completely incomprehensible to the modern diner.

Just got the email [EXT] FW: RE: Internal Use Only (Internal) and the subject line looks like it survived three boss battles to reach me.

Mind your tone when you talk to me. I get preselected for credit card offers you couldn’t even imagine.