Call me Marcus

That's the third time alanis morissette has cancelled a date with me, she's only got one more chance then it's over between us

According to the claw clip that just flew across the room, my hair shall not be restrained.

Thanks. Beating some followers then but still have to do better, duly noted.

I did but managed to dig myself out using 2 garlic baguettes

anyway, wanna get fucked up & go to the aquarium?

If you hold your ear to a chocolate egg, you can hear the final death screams of General Woundwort as he is torn to pieces by Bob the farm dog.
(niche tweet)

Don’t thumbs up react me, motherfucker.

YouTube video by Bryan Elijah Smith - Topic The Line

Think I missed international give Pam a Chicken nugget day on @pamtoo.bsky.social , so here's my peace offering

youtu.be/OdUmxEtKl90?...

Light rain here, however there’s a chance of the Son coming out later.

trying to explain to my dog how we all have to wash our dirty hands and he's no exception but he responds with a well choreographed muddy pawed tap dance and now i'm convinced he's right

"SELF-CARE!" I shout as I throw my fourth Molotov cocktail at the fleet of golf carts.

- me, celebrating the holidays as they're intended.

Jesus, watching a rabbit lay eggs: “How can I make this more about Me?”

With your lyrics and my harmonica, we'd be the star attraction in the Balearics

They’re offshore drilling your ass on crudesky.

Mugging people at the duck pond because I can’t afford bread

I greet my loved ones with a kiss so I know whether or not they’re using the chapstick I got them for Christmas

Jesus has risen from the gravel covering my high school sports field oh no he's looking right at us run Kevin run

It wasn't me who dropped a vial and tried to mop it up with the tea towel from the canteen you know, I'm innocent in all this

ace ventura stars notorious rubber faced twat jim carrey who just makes stupid faces & goes "alrighty then" for 2 fucking hours & then he does it in a mask & while installing cable & he even does it while fucking ruining christmas or some shit i don't fucking know - funny if you're a 5 year old ⭐

The fortune cookie was right, my tires were slashed not two hours later.

If you say "I'm gonna go take a hideout" instead of a nap nobody can say shit to you because holy secret fuck you could be doing anything and you have a place to do it

The daily I love you took me five tries today because my starting words are always "does the sincerity of silence mean nothing"

Likes happen in threes. Total.

I started to post something something blah blah blah then remembered nobody gives a shit
So you're getting this instead

Gonna eat a Costco lasagne, back in 2 hours

One time I saw a bald guy shoplifting so I called him 'Lex Looter' lol and then he stopped, gave me a high five and stole my wallet.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers 'brrrgers'

HER: I need to see other people

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

No matter how hard you try, there's no innocent way to wash an eggplant.

Forgive yourself. Then eat three bananas. Regret is useless. Potassium isn't.